Adoption Journal #8

Well we have finally completed the arduous PRIDE classes required as a requirement of completing the adoption process. It is a great feeling to be done. The classes were a pain in the butt; however, we manage our way through it. We met some great people who are also going through what we are going through and feeling the same frustrations that we have felt. There is a solidarity among people going through the same struggle that no amount of empathizing by friends and family can replace. I am grateful to have met the people we did. The classes were idiotic and poorly planned & executed(how many classes does it take to learn how to use the VCR?), but we are more convinced of the rightness of our decision today than when we began going through the hurdles. It's as if we keep reminding ourselves that God would not require us to go through the hurdles and the struggles if there wasn't someone absolutely wonderful waiting at the other end for us. However, It is hard to remain mindful of this as anyone who has dealt with government bureaucracy understands that only a Fallen and Sinful world could create Governmental departments. Next our application will be forwarded to our assigned social worker and he/she will begin the process of matching us up with our forever family. In the meantime we have other foster care licensing classes to attend, meetings with social workers, CPR & 1st Aid classes and other wonderful requirements. Yet, we press on for the promise. For that is all we can do.

Adoption Journal #7

So, we are entering our last week of the infamous "Pride" parenting classes through the county. Last week's Pride classes focused on discipline. The basic point of the discipline session was that foster parents are not allowed to use corporal punishment with foster children, nor are they allowed to use corporal punishment on their own children if their foster children will be aware. That seems pretty straight forward. The county does not allow for any circumstances in which physical punishment would be allowed by a foster parent. Any questions? Of course you don't. This is basic, whether you agree with it or not. If one disagrees with this policy and chooses to be a foster parent, then that person is choosing to abide by the policy. If one already agrees that corporal punishment is bad, then there is no problem.The class could have spent the discipline session on how to recognize behavioral antecedents and intervene to prevent negative behavior or how to implement positive reinforcement strategies or how to model good behavior. The class could have spent time on how to verbally de-escalate crisis situations or how to create an environment that minimizes certain negative behaviors. These would have all been good for foster parents who will most likely have to deal with behaviors beyond the scope of what most biological parents tend to deal with.What did we do with the bulk of our time? We discussed how we felt about spanking. We broke up into groups to discuss our feelings about spanking and whether or not we were spanked. We answered questions on how we felt about our parents use of corporal punishment. Mind you, we have already been very clear that spanking is not allowed, but the class spent over half of the session discussing feelings about spanking. There might be room to discuss spanking in a lot of forums, but not here. Burning children's arms with cigarettes is not allowed for foster parents, but we spent no time discussing that. once again the trainer failed to treat the class like adults and simply say "Spanking is not allowed under any circumstances, so let us look at alternative, or more positive, discipline approaches." Rather, the trainers didn't want the pro-spanking group to be upset so we spent 1 1/2 hours discussing the rationale. Another missed opportunity by the county. It really is a shame.That being said, we are excited to be near completion of this phase of the process. We spent last week completing our autobiographies to be attached to our application packets. This has been a good experience in the sense that it has allowed us an opportunity to discuss family traditions, traits and habits that we appreciate in our families and also some that we find intolerable. It's difficult to look critically at one's own parents and family dynamic, but it is worth it. I have come away with an appreciation for my family, yet an acknowledgement of the issues I disagree with.We hope this next week goes smoothly as we complete classes 8 & 9 of the Pride workshop. Our application will be processed this week and hopefully we will be assigned a permanent adoption worker within the next couple of weeks. After that we will complete "Bridge Builders" series of classes, specifically designed for preparing us for a foster care license. We also have another application workshop to attend (we have attended the adoption workshop now we must attend the foster care workshop), then get our CPR/1st Aid and finally complete the home study process. We still have a long way to go, but we're making progress.

Adoption Journal #6

Another week down in the ever-present pursuit of our forever family. Mandy and I are now over half way through the required PRIDE classes mandated by the county. We feel pretty pleased about this. I've been conflicted about a concept recently, especially how it relates to our adoption and issues I am passionate about in general.Here is the question, or questions. When few people anywhere (let alone the church) are addressing social needs (full participation of persons with disabilities, child welfare needs, etc.) is it ok to critique the manner in which they approach these needs? or rather, Should efforts be spent encouraging those on the sidelines to get into the game? I realize that too few people are involved in direct service, and those who do get involved are too often overworked and under trained. Yet, that should not excuse them from failing to put forward their utmost to value the individuals they are supposed to serve.Let me talk about TMR (trainable mentally retarded) and EMR (educable mentally retarded). These terms were used before modern special education legislation that guaranteed a Free and Appropriate Education (FAPE) to EVERYONE. TMR and EMR where used to distinguish students with mental retardation who could benefit from education from those for whom schooling was "a waste of time." There is an implication in the term that some students cannot be benefit from ANY type of education. We know now that while all students do not benefit at the same rate, all individuals can be improved through proper methods of instruction and training. I essence the terms TMR and EMR are backwards, insensitive and outright ignorant. Therefore, it was of great surprise to me when Mandy and I were reviewing our "Child Desired Checklist" and discovered that we were asked if a child that was TMR was acceptable or not. Following that question we were asked whether a child that was EMR was acceptable or not. The assumptions inherent in those questions, let alone the anachronistic nature of those questions reveals the attitude modern social service agencies have toward the children they are mandated (and funded through my tax dollars) to serve.Mandy and I have reviewed those checklists and were surprised (well, maybe not surprised, but disappointed) at the labels used and the attitude it conveyed. We were even more disappointed when the trainers (and I use that term loosely) took a group from the class to walk through the county social service offices to observe some monitored visits in progress. (I need to explain the visit rooms real quick. These visits are between a parent in the midst his/her reunification plan and a child who has been ripped from their home and is emotionally Fraggle. . .oops, I mean fragile. These visits are in rooms alongside the walls with windows allowing observation. Typically a social worker or officer is in the room as well. Despite the fact that the rooms are viewable from the main office floor, these are still a private matter and most people, especially the ones in visits, try to act like the other few visits going on in adjacent rooms are not really going on at all. This allows for the belief that others are treating visits the same way.) Sorry about that, I'm back. It is unconscionable that a trainer would take a group of class members through the visiting area looking in the windows as though it's a zoo with strange animals on exhibit. But this is exactly what happened. I am grateful that Mandy and I did not choose to join the little tour. I have been in enough of these visits and felt the pain and awkwardness firsthand, I don't need second hand anguish. Apparently our trainers do.So, back to where I started. I believe it is ok to critique those who serve as well as those who refuse. Trust me I got enough critique for them and myself. None of us are perfect and we all need someone to keep us honest and accountable. This is the journey. Mandy and I are partners in this and we keep each other honest. I think it's the way it was meant to be.

Adoption Journal #5

Well, another week of Adoption classes has come and gone. This week has been interesting, not so much for the content of the classes, but for other related items that have come up.Mandy and I did a bit of work on our Adoption Application this week. Actually, the class Thursday evening was so boring and frustrating that we did a lot of it in class. Our adoption application has several parts. There is a basic application where we place information about our finances, employment and residence. We each are required to complete a “Family Questionnaire” which asks questions about our relationship with our parents and our relationship with our in-laws. Oh yea, it also asks us how “comfortable” our sexual relationship is. Then there are two more questionnaires where various physical and/or medical conditions are listed along with various family histories. We are then supposed to place and “X” next to each condition under “Acceptable” (meaning we are willing to adopt a child with this condition or family history) or “Not” (meaning we are not).
Now we understand that not everyone is going to be willing to accept children from every possible background or with every possible set of circumstances; however, it was a little heartbreaking to imagine that there are children with certain conditions or circumstances that are such that an adoptive family could say “no” to them. We could not do that. This ultimately opens us up to a lot of possibilities. Yet, we have a heavenly father who looks at our sins, our weakness, our abilities, limitations and history and never once says that we are not acceptable to Him. He never once says that we aren’t the children He “really” wanted to adopt. Rather, He adopts us and brings us into His family because of who He is not because of who we are. How can we do otherwise?
I was reading a study recently that stated that the majority of foster parents leave the system after only one year of foster parenting. The number one reason they cite is a lack of support and training. After completing some of our classes (which are designed for both foster and adoptive families) I can see the truth in that. Our presenters are poorly organized and not very knowledgeable about issues related to being a foster parent. (Everyone in the class both adoptive and foster will become licensed foster parents at the end). In fact, the two main social workers often contradict each other in the dissemination of information. No wonder foster parents complain about being unprepared. For instance, there is no “R” in “ambivalent,” egos are “fragile” not “Fraggle,” and “undetached” means “attached” not “unattached.”
I wish grammar was the only problem with the training, but it is not. I fear that the people in our training who have legitimate questions will go without the necessary knowledge. Mandy and I, and a few other, have the advantage of experience in the system, but we are a small number. It is a shame that the county, who so desperately needs well-trained foster families, would treat the prospective families with such contempt.
PS. People ask me often how the process is going. I tell them that it is frustrating and arduous. They look at me and tell me that “it will all be worth it.” No kidding, do they actually think that we would go through an adoption process we knew to be difficult and get to the end once our child arrived and say, “wow, you are totally not worth the effort.” When Mandy and I say that they adoption process is difficult, frustrating and arduous we know that it will be worth it in the end; however, a clichéd response does nothing to support us in that effort. In fact, it can come across as insulting, so don’t be trite or cliché when it comes to human emotion or needs. Please.