Nothing Too Wonderful (AJ#33)

There is nothing quite like Christmas time. There is no other time of the year that I enjoy more. I am one of those people who look forward every year to that moment when radio stations begin playing Christmas music. I am not of the opinion that Christmas music comes too soon. (In fact, I question how anyone can be opposed to radio stations that stop playing songs about casual love, one-night-stands, or simple hedonism and begin playing songs that glorify virginity, peace, joy and the birth of Christ.) There are so many elements of this season that resonate for me. The scene at the Manger, the annunciation, the visit of the magi, the star, the flight to Egypt as well as candy canes, Carols, gifts and yes, Virginia, Santa Claus all make this season meaningful, year in and year out.

This year is especially meaningful for Mandy and I. When we started our adoption process in 2006 we hoped to have a little one grace our home by last Christmas. This didn’t happen. We bought a stocking hung it beside ours and prayed that another Christmas would not go by before a child entered our home. This Christmas we will fill that stocking for our little girl, we will include her in family traditions from the spiritual to the quirky. We will tell her about a God who loved her so much that He sent His only son as a gift to all.

As I reflect on Christmas this year, I am reminded of Simeon the Priest. This is a man that doesn’t get a lot of attention at Christmas, but deserves so much. Simeon was an older man, but God had promised him that he would not die until he saw the Messiah. Imagine, year after year of waiting. Imagine, the anticipation, the nervous excitement as children were brought to him for blessing. I wonder if he saw the parents coming for a dedication and got excited thinking that this could be the one. I also wonder if he felt a little depressed as each family left, knowing he still had to wait. Yet, Simeon knew that God is a keeper of promises and does not have people wait in vain. So, everyday Simeon went to the temple expecting God to, well, be God. I can only imagine the joy Simeon felt as Mary and Joseph approached. He must have been beside himself with joy. Simeon was undoubtedly old and weary of the wait. He must have desperately wanted to let slip this mortal coil and now he was holding God’s promise fulfilled. “God, you can now release your servant; release me in peace as you promised. With my own eyes I've seen your salvation; it's now out in the open for everyone to see.” (Luke 1:32msg)

We understand a little of the waiting as well as the joy at a promise fulfilled. Even though she can’t articulate it, we believe our daughter feels the same way. For 3 ½ years she has waited for the promise of a family. Foster parents, social workers, therapists, volunteers and staff came and went, but none of them were the promise fulfilled. It must have been confusing and tiresome. Every ounce of her being must have yearned for the waiting to be over and for God to provide her with a family. Yet, she never let these situations rob her of her joy and infectious good spirit. We believe she gets the point of family. She refers to us a “mommy” and “daddy” (something she has never referred to staff or other foster parents as). She refers to her home as “my home.” She refers to our family as “family.” Even though none of us knew it at the time, we have all three been waiting for each other and God brought us together as just the right time.

We also believe that she gets the point of Christmas. This was proved the other day as we were getting ready for Church. Mandy said to her, “It’s time for Church.” She looked at Mandy and said, “ch-u-ch.” Then she said, “Baby Y-esus?” She then walked over to our little nativity set and picked up the baby Jesus and gave Him a hug. Yeah, she gets it.

One final thought: When Gabriel tells Mary that she is going to have a child. Mary is a bit astonished and asks Gabriel how something so wonderful can happen. Gabriel looks at her and replies that nothing is too wonderful for God (some translations have nothing is impossible, Luke 1:37). We are only too aware of the truth of this passage as Mandy and I often wonder if this is all too good to be true or if our little girl is too wonderful. In a season of hope and peace it is easy to forget that nothing is too wonderful for God. As people ready themselves for New Year’s resolutions, goals and plans it is easy to forget that nothing is too wonderful for God. We know that many people are finding it hard to hold onto that truth this year. We know that finances make planning for the next year difficult. We know that many people are hurting with the loss of a loved one. We know that hundreds of thousands of foster children are waiting for the promise of a family. We know that families are waiting for the promise of a child. Around the world we know that millions are waiting for their forever family. We know that relationships don’t always work out the way we hope. However, our Christmas prayer is that you too will find the truth of God’s promises in this Holiday season. Remember that peace and hope can still be found. Remember that the story of Christmas is not about the magi’s gifts to Christ as much as the gift of Christ. Remember that miracles still happen and that nothing, absolutely nothing, is too wonderful for God.

-Merry Christmas from Mike, Mandy and Summer

Getting Hurt (AJ #32)

All children get hurt. To a certain degree this is a good thing. It means that a parent has given a child the opportunity to risk, to learn and to grow. As the Dr. Seuss stated so clearly, “hang-ups and bang-ups will happen to you.” Well, our little girl is no different. Yesterday Mandy had to take her to the doctor after a fall that brought her bottom teeth up through her lip. Of course, this is scary for a child (and her mommy), but part of the natural ebb and flow of family life. This, of course, is easy to say after everything has calmed down and the blood has been cleaned off the carpet (for the most part). However, during the incident things look a lot different.
Any parent would be at least a little alarmed when their child is crying on the floor with a mouth full of blood. Here is where our situation diverges sharply from other parents. Most parents only need worry about their child during and after the situation. Foster parents, however, have more to worry about. Before, we can take our daughter to the doctor we have to make sure that we have her medical release as well as the added documents we are REQUIRED to have completed and signed at every medical appointment. Following the appointment we have to contact the social worker, the foster care licensing worker, the adoption worker, etc. to inform them of the “incident.” As long as our little girl is ok we don’t care who we have to call.
The fact that any minor medical incident becomes a bureaucratic headache is a reason so many foster parents leave the system so soon. This won’t be the last time our rambunctious and strong-willed little girl knocks her head on a table or something similar, and each time we will have to wade through the bureaucratic nightmare.
Now we voluntarily took this responsibility on. We understood the bureaucracy better than most (having each worked in the midst of it for 10+ years). This doesn’t mean that we like it any more than we did when we began and it doesn’t mean that it makes any more sense today than it did years ago. All through our preparation the county stressed our need to focus on our child; however, the county also provides procedural hoops that split our attention in an emergency (whether a fire evacuation or medical emergency). In my years I have seen foster parents and group homes cited and disciplined (including fines) for failure to follow all of the bureaucratic regulations in an emergency, so this is not a minor concern on our part. It is just one of many things that seem to run contrary to the high ideals espoused by government agencies.
As we continue to travel down this road we are constantly aware that without an extremely supportive network of friends and family we would be pulling emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted. This is exhaustion is not, mind you, from our daughter, but from the many, many, many individuals and bureaucratic hoops that come our way. There are many foster parents without a good support system. We ask anyone who reads this to reach out to a foster parent, adoptive parents or any parent who just seems to be struggling against a “system” and give show them the face of Christ this Christmas season.

Thanksgiving (AJ #31)

This Thanksgiving we have much to be thankful for and we just thought we would take a moment to let you know how we feel.
We are first and foremost thankful to God for the gracious gift of salvation through His Son.
We are enthusiastically thankful for the gift of our daughter, and much of our gratitude is connected to her this year.
We are thankful for her aunts. All children should be so blessed to have wonderfully strong, Godly women in their lives that love them, love their parents and love God. We continue to be amazed that God has blessed our family in such a way.
We are thankful for uncles. Our daughter has not had many positive male role models in her life, yet we are grateful that her uncles are men she can look up to and learn from.
We are thankful for grandparents. We are thankful for grandparents who provide love, care and support without question or pause. We are thankful that our daughter recognizes that as something special
We are thankful for cousins. We are thankful for older cousins who model many of the good things we want to teach our daughter. We are thankful for cousins who accept our daughter as an equal member of the family, share their toys and play together so well. We are thankful for cousins who have the energy to play and play and play and who provide a wealth of new words for our daughter to learn. We are thankful for younger cousins who can help to teach our daughter how to care for others.
We are thankful for our home and that our daughter understands it is her home. We are also thankful that our home is still standing.
We are thankful for social workers who choose to live up to their calling and make life a little easier as we travel through this transition.
We are thankful for the young girls who spend part of their Sunday mornings helping our daughter be included in her Sunday school class.
We are thankful for friends who prayerfully support us and are willing to share in our journey.
We have much to be thankful for, yet we know there are many children who have not found their forever families. We pray that they will be safe while God prepares their families.
While it seems most of our prayers have been answered, we know that our journey has only begun. So, we’ll close with the prayer we say with over our daughter every night.
“Dear Jesus, thank You for Summer. Thank you for bringing her into our lives. Thank You that we are able to be her mommy and daddy. Help us to be a good mommy and daddy…”
Happy Thanksgiving.

Home (AJ #30)

This past weekend fire ravaged many parts of Southern California. One area hit by these fires was the city of Brea. Since we live in Brea this created a considerable amount of anxiety, but also a renewed awareness of what is important.
We had been out and about from early Saturday morning and were not aware of the fires building in our area. As we were heading home in the afternoon we received a call from my father asking us if we had been listening to the news (we hadn’t), so we turned on news radio to hear the reports. As we drove home we entered a field of smoke thicker than fog. By the time we got to our home our neighbors where all filling up their cars and trucks with belongings and heading out. We quickly went inside and began doing the same. We left for the night with two car loads of stuff and went to my sister’s home (on the other side of the county) for the night.
Now for most people, fire is anxiety producing. As I looked out from our patio I could see huge flames on the side of the hill about 100 yards away. Yet, when I looked in the house, there was our daughter sitting on the floor playing and watching a movie without a care in the world.
Mandy and I don’t have a lot of “stuff” so there wasn’t any great fear of losing a lot; however, we did fear losing our daughter. We knew she was physically safe with us and that she would be safe at her aunt’s house, yet we had another fear. If our home was damaged or destroyed in the fire, then we would no longer be licensed as a foster home with the county. Our daughter would have to be placed in another foster home until we found a place and got that licensed. This was our concern. To lose our daughter for even a little while would be devastating to us. Even after a short while, we had seen her make such progress and such a connection to us that we feared what a displacement would do to her.
Well, it all worked out. Our home is safe, although the same is not true for many in our communities. We learned, or at least were reminded, of certain truths during this.
One thing we learned is that time isn’t always the most important thing. We have known our daughter for only a month (only 16 days actually living with us), but we can’t imagine a life without her. She is not legally our daughter, but she is in our hearts closer than any court order could make her. Looking around at what to take when we left the house all we could think was “diapers, snacks, dolly, her pictures” and her paper work. After that it didn’t seem to matter much.
We were also reminded that we have a great community of support. We could have stayed with any member of my family and our daughter would have played and played and been content. The fact that this is possible is a reminder of God’s providence.
Finally, we were reminded of the value of family and home. After coming home from my sister’s house our daughter walked through the doors and said, “Home.” She had never said that before. She has never lived anywhere that she called “home.” We looked at her and felt such a joy knowing that she knows we are family and this is “home.”
We are thankful for our “Home” (not the place we live, but “Home” in the big picture). We are thankful for family who supports our family and Home.
We are thankful for our daughter who understands that we are family and her Home.
Again, this journey continues to be an education we did not expect and could not have anticipated.

One Month Later (Adoption Journal #29)

It’s been one month since the first time Mandy and I met our, then, daughter-to-be and only ten days since she was placed in our home. However, there are times when we feel like she has always been ours. In fact, it is difficult to remember life when she wasn’t part of it. Now I am not saying that everything is sunshine and roses. We have had some difficult moments, but that is to be expected due to a variety of environmental and development needs in her life. The hard and difficult moments have challenged us in ways few parents are (with the exception of those who foster/adopt children in crisis or children with special needs), yet, the beautiful experiences far outweigh any difficulty. Every night after Mandy and I have tucked her into bed we sit down and just talk about how blessed we are to have been given this gift. Despite the fact that our daughter is a gift in her own right, the true gift she brings into our life is the gift of family.
Children need family. This seems obvious, but many people just don’t get it. A child, such as our daughter, needs a mother and father. Research clearly indicates the truth of this. The outcomes of children in grow up in foster care or the young men and women who grow up in single-parent homes all demonstrate the truth of this. I could cite stats on how divorce, child abuse, infidelity and other family-breakers lead to negative outcomes, but I don’t need that.
My beautiful daughter spent the first 3+ years of her life without family. Despite this she seems to indicate an innate need for family. In her short life she has never had a “daddy.” She has never referred to another man as “daddy.” The reports we have indicate that she has called one caregiver “mommy,” but only on a couple of occasions. We’ve been told that, even though she is affectionate, that she has consistently given hugs and kisses to those near her, and that makes us sad. We are pretty sure that she has never had someone tuck her in at night and say prayers, or worse, say “I love you.” These are all integral to being family.
Since we have known our little girl she has repeatedly referred to Mandy as “mommy.” As she learns more words and signs she is eager to show them or say them to her “mommy.” The other night she threw her arms around my neck and said, “my daddy!” Now she repeatedly refers to both Mandy and I as “mommy and daddy.” Why? Clinicians might tell you about language development and other educational theories that inform our understanding of how language emerges, and I understand those theories and give them a lot of credibility. However, Mandy and I believe that more than anything our daughter has been eager for family. She has had a really tough time and tough early life so far, but despite all of that she responds when we tell her we love her.
This is what amazes Mandy and I. We look at our little girl and are amazed that she can be so full of love when her life has been so devoid of it for so long. She is a miracle to us. Both of us are more convinced that God loves us today than we were one month ago. We cannot begin to understand the graciousness of God that brought her to our lives. Yet, we do know that God is a God who loves family and we are thankful for that.
The idea of family is at the heart of being a foster parent or and adoptive parent. Despite all of the difficulties and hardships that working within the system brings, it is the idea of family that makes it all worthwhile. But what is family. Family for our daughter is not just having a mother and father who love and care for her. It is also have cousins who she knows love her and whom she can now call by name in pictures. It is having grandparents who don’t treat her as though she just joined the family, but rather as a lifelong member of the family. It is having aunts (and uncles) who hold her, play with her, support her parents and who offer positive Christian examples of what family means. We would like to think that our daughter to be fortunate to have us as parents. Something we strive to make true everyday, but we know that she is blessed to have family.
This month is National Adoption Month across America. Millions of children around the world live lives where they never hear “I love you.” They live lives without a mother and father. Maybe you can be part of making a family by adopting, supporting adoptive families or supporting adoption ministries in your local area. The blessing of family should not be kept from the children in the world who need it the most.

Knees and Butts (Adoption Journal #28)

(This was previously posted at Manger or Inn? on October 31)
Sometimes it is difficult to understand how God chooses to work. We can easily question how God can use a particular situation, mistake or choice to His glory. This is part of the human condition. We so easily put God in a box and we don’t even realize it. We look at our choice or our situation and assume since we can’t see any good in it, God can’t either. Yet, God repeatedly shows us mercy through our struggles and weakness. This has been particularly true in my own personal journey, but also in our family’s journey as well.

Several years ago my wife and I took our four-year old niece to Disneyland. Near the end of the day we stood on Main Street to watch the parade. It had been a long day and she didn’t accept my offer to sit on my shoulders. She wanted to be independent and stand on her own. As we stood there a little while I noticed her getting frustrated. Upon closer look, I realized that while she could hear the band play and the crowd cheer all she could see was people’s knees and butts. From her perspective, there wasn’t much of a parade. In fact, hearing a lot of loud noises when all you can see are knees and butts pretty much stinks(no pun intended). I knew I had to help her out and change her perspective. Without waiting for her approval, I reached down grabbed her by the waist and hoisted her on top of my shoulders. Now she had the best seat in the crowd. She could see everything. Now when she waved, Cinderella waved back. She was laughing and clapping. While nothing around her changed, her perspective had changed and that made all of the difference. For her, it was as if the entire parade had been made for her, now that she was able to see it more clearly.

Occasionally in our lives all we can see are knees and butts. This is the time that we need some change of perspective. Whether it has been choices I have made or situations in my life, I have been blessed that God has taken the time to lift me out of the crowd so that I can see the parade. God has taken the opportunity to let me know that while I can’t see it, there are good things happening around me. As independent as I want to be, there are times when I need the help of His perspective. There are times when I need to sit on His shoulders in order to enjoy the parade He has orchestrated.

Waiting for our child has been difficult. We have been frustrated and disappointed. All we have seen are knees and butts. However, that is just our perspective. When we sit on God’s shoulders we see that this waiting has given us opportunity to encourage others down this road. We see that opportunities to connect with faith-based organizations in the advocacy of all foster and adoptive children, particularly those labeled with special needs, has been part of God’s divine plan. We also know that God has used this time to mold our hearts and prepare us for our forever family.

My journey to this point has been filled with people, places, situations and challenges that all served in one way or another to inform my head and my heart. Looking back the choices and struggles I dealt with individually as well as those Mandy and I dealt with together, I now understand what St. Paul is trying to convey when he speaks of God’s strength being made perfect in our weakness. I know that my weaknesses and challenges could never have led me to this point without God’s intervention. I know that when all we could see were knees and butts, God has granted us the opportunity to see the parade.

Regardless of how my own journey has led me here, there is something I know beyond question. As I look at my daughter’s’s face, I know that I am where I was meant to be. I know that all the hoops, struggles, challenges, waiting, disappointments, knees and butts (e.g. social service agencies) led me to the exact point I am today. God used them all as markers and signposts on my journey so that I would be right where I am. I know this is the perfect place. In hindsight, had my path been different, had my journey been easier, I might not be where I am sitting beside my wife and my child. That would be a tragedy. There is no place I would rather be.

I know many of your lives have been filled with regret of choices made or frustration with the challenges and obstacles you have had to deal with. My prayer is that God will use those to His glory. My prayer is that when all you can see are knees and butts that God will lift you on His shoulders and give you a glimpse of the parade that He has orchestrated just for you.

Saying Goodnight (Adoption Journal #27)

We are excited and delighted to be able to get to know our daughter. Our visits with her have been going exceptionally well. Anytime a child has had multiple placements, social workers are concerned about the transition process. As a result we have slowly worked our way into her life. As professionals in the field we completely understand the social worker's need to protect her client from too much disruption. As parents we can't get her into our home fast enough.
I'll never forget the first day I met her. Her social worker and her house parent walked her over to where I was kneeling and said, "say 'hi' to Mike." She looked at me smiled and jumped into my arms. This was more than I hoped for. As we were leaving the visit that day, I had her in my arms and told her that I had to go. She looked at her worker and said, "bye" thinking she was going with me. Mandy and I would have taken her home that day if we could, but we understand the process. However, understanding the process doesn't make things easier.
For the past couple of weeks Mandy and I have visited with her four days a week. Every night (whether we are visiting at her group home or spending the day at our home and then going to her group home) we help her get ready for bed. Mandy helps her with a bath, we tuck her in, read with her, pray with her, sing with her and give her goodnight kisses. Our prayer is the same each night. We thank God for her and we pray that those who get the opportunity to see her in the morning take good care of her.
We don't yet get to be the people who wake her up. The days we don't get to see her are torture. Someone else is doing the job we want to do. Someone else is starting her day. After having her visit this past weekend, our house seems quiet and lonely without her. We know that this will soon be a memory, but the waiting is the hard part. Saying "goodnight" hurts, and not seeing her for days at a time hurts. Yet, we know that this will pass.
As I mentioned, we pray for those who take care of her. For much of her life our daughter did not have good caretakers. However, for the past several months she has had excellent care givers. These individuals are not volunteers, rather they are paid (at an extremely poor rate) to make a commitment to an individual. They chose to take low pay as a missional approach to a career. Their 40+ hours a week often get overlooked by 2-hour a week volunteer, but they are valuable and we are thankful for their efforts on our daughters behalf. Knowing she is in good hands eases the transition and we are thankful for the support of her workers. Yet, we look forward to the day when we put her to bed and see her in the morning. Saying "goodnight" feels better knowing "good morning" is on the way.
This brief time has also taught us compassion for other parents. We know there are plenty of parents who, for one reason or another, have to live with fractured time with their child. Maybe your child lives in a facility, hospital or other institution. Perhaps your child is splitting time between two parents. We don't know what the reason is, but our little experience (which in the light of a lifetime, is extremely short) has led us to think of you all in our prayers and pray that God bring you comfort when you are parted.

It's a Girl (Adoption Journal #26)

Yes, we have met our daughter. Although she is not yet able to live with us, we have had the opportunity to visit her at her residence and get to know her a little bit. She is more than we could have ever imagined. I never cease to be amazed at the manner in which God chooses to work.
If our adoption process had only taken a couple of months or if our social worker hadn't left us hanging for four months or if. . . or if. . . If things had gone according to our schedule our process would have looked a lot different. Despite the fact that our daughter (it's just really cool saying that) has been in the system for a considerable period of time we wouldn't have been matched with her at any other time in our adoption process. For reasons I can't really go into, she was available at just the right time that we authorized. We couldn't be happier.
When our social worker first called us she let us know that a girl might be available, but she warned us that she was not within the age range we requested. Apparently, God knew what we wanted and needed more than we did. We couldn't be happier.
Our social worker told Mandy some of the developmental issues, background, family, social and legal issues surrounding the case. I'm sure they give the perceived negatives up front in an attempt sift the perspective parents, but it didn't matter to us. Our social worker also told Mandy about her age which would require us to get re-licensed in order to accept her into our home. I'm pretty sure Mandy's response surprised the social worker. Mandy took all the information in and told the social worker "she sounds perfect."
We have had the chance over the past couple of weeks to get to know this beautiful little girl. Yes, there will be struggles. Yes, there will be frustrations. Yes, the difficulties of the process are not over. We will still have to navigate the system until we are given legal authority, at least 6 months from now. Yet, she fits perfectly into our family. God, in His wisdom, prepared our home and our hearts and knew 3 1/2 years ago that this wonderful girl would one day end up with us. In the Spring of 2005 we weren't even sure that we would adopt. Even when we thought about adoption we had no clue how. There were so many unknowns at that time, yet God knew this girl born, not fifteen-minutes from our home, would one day be part of our family.
Yes, we have more thoughts to share. There have been some frustrations in connecting with our daughter. There have been some pleasant surprises, as well. Yet, we wanted to take a moment to thank God that He knows better than us and that what He had in store for us was so far exceedingly better than anything we could have wished for.
In a world of economic, political and social uncertainty it is always good to be reminded that the thing of God are not left to chance.

Closer (Adoption Journal #25)

Friday we had the opportunity to meet with a couple of social workers from within the Orange County social service agency. For the past week we had been in contact with our social worker regarding a possible candidate for placement. Friday was the formal meeting in which we were given documentation on development, placement and history. Prior to Friday we had only anecdotal reports on these items. We have been asked, following this meeting, whether or not we wish to pursue a foster/adoption plan with the child that we were told about.
We're not sure if this will work out. We don't know how long it will take if it does work out (we're being told that placement steps will take anywhere from 4-6 weeks, which is what we expected based on our own professional experience with placement steps). With many questions still remaining we made the decision to commit to this child. It is a wonderful feeling for Mandy and I to be able to talk to each about a specific child with a specific age and a name. Despite all of the roadblocks and obstacles we are in a better place in this process than we have ever been. We are able to see how all of the steps led to this specific child to this specific moment.
We promise to keep you all updated as we are able. However, since our child is not, and will not be for quite a while, our legal child we are not able to disclose confidential information about our prospective child specifically related to family background and other personal/developmental history issues. We look forward to meeting our child for the first time and for our friends and family to get the same opportunity.
We continue to appreciate your prayers and support. Life is unpredictable and we do not know for sure what is around the next turn, but we are beginning to sense and close to this part of our families journey.

God Bless M&M

Any Day (Adoption Journal #24)

It's been awhile since we wrote so we thought we would update you all. As of last week our paperwork for both our foster license and our adoption home study are officially completed. It has been a long time (especially when your adoption worker neglects to tell you that she'll be out of the country for over a month in the midst of your homestudy and that your case has not been assigned to a temporary worker to aid in the completion), but things are winding down. Right now a file describing our family and home is sitting on the desk of one or more "matchers" who have the responsibility of finding a suitable home when a child becomes available. This also means that any day we could get a call telling us that a child is ready for us to meet. A day or so after the call we'll meet our child and make a decision of yes or no regarding placement. If the answer is yes then we will have our son or daughter in our home in a matter of days. We'll keep you posted but it looks like things are coming to full circle and we couldn't be more excited. God Bless

OC Foster Care Auxiliary (Adoption Journal #23)

Last week we visited the Orange County Foster Care Auxiliary. It’s a bit of a wordy title, but it’s a great group. The purpose of the Auxiliary is to support foster children by providing training, resources and support to foster parents. The auxiliary runs a thrift shop in Anaheim, Ca (on Brookhurst between Orange and Broadway) as well as providing classes, social get-togethers (parties and picnics) and other supports. We got a chance last Saturday to visit the “back room” of the thrift shop where foster parents are able to pick up much needed items free of charge, once a month. It is a nice organization to connect with when you are new to this role of foster parenting and needing a little support from people who have been there before.
You can find out more about the OC Foster Care Auxiliary at http://fostercareaux.com/

A Little Closer (Adoption Journal #22)

Well, we have moved a little closer to our child this week. Despite the reluctance on our licensing social worker's part, our home was approved (pool and all). After reviewing the pictures she took and her report on our home, our SW's supervisor approved our home without conditions. Since this is happy news I won't dwell on the fact that our SW's primary guiding principle was "I'm not responsible." Now we are waiting for our adoption social worker to finish up her part so that referrals can be made to the social workers of potential children (yes, I know there are a lot of social workers involved). So, we are just waiting. Mandy is making sure to call our adoption social worker regularly so that she doesn't forget about us, which county social workers are apt to do. So, all in all we are excited and anticipating.
We also made another change that anticipates our child-to-be. Yesterday Mandy and I got rid of my little Chevy Cobalt and bought the ultimate family driving symbol. . . The Minivan.
Things are moving forward and we are excited. Thank you for coming along this road with us.
FYI: When our child is placed (hopefully in the next couple of months) he/she will be placed as a foster child. This means that I am prevented from giving a lot of details (name, history, family background, etc) until the adoption is completed. So, bear with us as we will do our best to provide what we can.

Maria Sue Chapman 2003-2008

It seems that those involved in adoption/foster care are a close knit group. We share in our experiences both good and bad. There is a group of adopting/post adopt families that I am in regular contact with. When anyone has a placement success or finally gets to meet their forever child, their is a shared rejoicing. However, beyond those tight knit groups in church and community support/advocacy groups it seems that anyone connected with adoption seems to draw those involved together.
For many individual in the Christian (and into the non-Christian) communities, Steven Curtis Chapman has been a focal point, a spokesman and a standard bear, if you will, for those with a heart for God's children. Through his songwriting he has connected his personal experiences and passions to those of us needing the encouragement. Through his foundation Shaohannah's Hope (www.shaohannahshope.org) he has made a way for forever families to afford the often out-of-reach price of adoption. While many have experienced the joys and rejoiced along with the Chapmans as they have adopted several children from China, it is with heavy hearts that we grieve with them as well. Yesterday afternoon, the Chapman family lost their daughter Maria Sue in a tragic family accident. Maria was the youngest of the Chapman's children (she turned 5 years old earlier this month) and was one of three adopted girls from China. Pictures and videos posted on the web display a child with a beautiful smile and a joyful spirit. For those who listen to Christian radio you might be able to imagine her in the opening lines of Chapman's song, "Cinderella." It is a song that has new and poignant meaning in light of recent events. She will be missed.
I do not know if it is our place to question the motives of God in His heavens, perhaps it is. I do know that it is our place to pray, to support, to grieve, to love and to hope. Our thoughts and prayers go to the entire Chapman family and Franklin, TN community.

Those who would like to learn more please visit: www.stevencurtischapman.com

Ode to a Pool (Adoption Journal #21)

So, we had what was to be our last home licensing appointment this Friday. The inspection was going well for the most part. We graciously answered the same questions we had been asked several times before. We answered questions, we previously had answered on applications (to the point of hand cramps), as if they were brand new to us. Our licensing worker checked our home and found it, as it should be. She had no comments or things we needed to change. At this point Mandy and I are feeling pretty good. Our social worker tells us that all she needs to do at this point is look at the apartment complex grounds. So, we lead her down the stairs toward the center of the apartment complex and the complex offices. About 150 yards from our door (down the stairs, down the sidewalk across the parking lot) there is a little creek about two-feet wide and four inches deep. This water caused our tour to pause. Our social worker pulled out her camera and took pictures of this mighty Mississippi-like waterway. I though perhaps she was waiting for Huck and Jim to float by on a makeshift raft. None of that happened, so a picture was all she got.
About twenty yards past the creek is the community pool. So, we bravely forded the creek and headed for the pool. A six-foot high fence surrounds the pool with locked gates as four different points. The gates all require key-entry and are spring loaded to keep them from staying open. Yet, there was a problem. During office hours, the door to the office building is unlocked. This worried our social worker, who once again bravely pulled out her trusty camera. She was worried that our child (most likely 6-18mos) would undo the deadbolt in our apartment (which is always locked when we are home), walk down the stairs, down the sidewalk, across the parking lot, open the office door, walk down the hallway, open the back door and fall into the pool. The creek, evidently, wasn’t a concern to our social worker after she saw the great danger of the pool.

Before I go any further, I should make clear that I understand the dangers that water poses to children. I am not making light of this very real danger and reality for many parents and caregivers. I also appreciate the need for county social workers to address potential dangers and safety issues. This is a tragic and real issues that licensing workers should look at and should be concerned about.

That being said, sometimes there is often a CYA mentality when social workers look to grant a license. For instance, the pool is four times as far from our apartment as the street. The pool requires our infant to go through two heavy doors and past four apartment buildings, whereas the street requires nothing of that. Since our social worker wasn’t ready to place a child in such a "risky situation", she did not grant our license Friday. She has told us that she will discuss the situation with her supervisor and ask that the supervisor make a decision on whether or not we should be granted a license. Hopefully we have some resolution on this by next week.
It disappoints me that our social worker refused to grant our license. She had the power and authority to grant our license; however, because her first thought is to insulate herself from legal recrimination and not to promote the placement of a child with a qualified family, she did not grant our license. This is frustrating, but we are hopeful that when our social worker and her supervisor meet next week that we will have our license and be ready to move forward on placement.
To address my frustration I wrote a poem about the pool that Mandy and I have never used in six plus years and something that we have absolutely zero control over. I’ll let you know what turns out next week.


My freakin' pool

Whether the weather is hot, warm or cool
I have never swam in my freakin’ pool
Kids walk by after leaving school
Yet they don’t swim in my freakin’ pool
I have lived here for six seasons of Yule
Still I have yet to swim in my freakin’ pool
So this denial of my home is oh so cruel
And it is all because of my freakin’ pool

Adoption Journal #20

Well, some good news. Our licensing/home study process should be done within the month. Mandy had a chance to talk with our foster social worker (Angelica), yesterday and work out a few scheduling issues. May 9th our home will be reviewed and approved (hopefully) by Orange County Social Services. This is pretty exciting for us. Now there will still be a few more hurdles to jump through, but this is a big step for us. We were so excited that we went out and celebrated last night. Today we went down to IKEA and Target and got the last few necessities for our child's room in order to get through the licensing process. Then we spent the rest of the day putting together furniture, organizing our paperwork and making sure that all of the little (sometimes ridiculous) requirements of OC Foster Care/Social Services. This has truly been an answer to prayer.
This also goes to show that it pays to be persistent. Mandy and I know that social workers don't always feel pressure to follow-through on items or licensing requests. This is not to say anything about our personal social worker (who has been really great) but to say that persistence pays off. Mandy has called weekly just to say "hi" and to keep our names on the front of our Social Workers mind. Good thing we did. When Mandy made her weekly call our social worker informed her that all of our paperwork was complete and we were cleared to have our house reviewed and licensed. Our social worker told us that she was going to call us sometime next week. Now the fact that everything was cleared and she hadn't called us is pretty bad, but I wonder if she would have called us next week. Might we have waited two or three weeks? This could have been real bad since I am going to be in Washington DC for about six days at the end of the month.
So, the our social worker's non-chalant attitude about following-up on us could have cost us another month. Despite the excitement I feel that we are closing in on the finish, I am a little frustrated that a social service industry that constantly complains about needing "qualified" foster and adoptive parents doesn't feel the need to take immediate action to address the need.
I won't dwell on that, though, I am just excited to be moving forward. We appreciate all of you who have continued to pray for us through this process. Friends from diverse spots like Portland( Oregon), Riverside, Redlands, Granada Hills, West Covina, Orange County, Colorado Spring (Colorado), Bloomington (Indiana), Boston (Mass), Grand Rapids (Michigan) and more have all followed our journey and given us their support. To all of you we say thank you and ask you to keep praying as we are still a work in process.

Adoption Journal #19

As you may have noticed we have transferred our blog to this site in order to dedicate this blog to our process and eventually to our young son or daughter when they arrive.



Well it is near the end of April and we are still waiting. Our foster care licensing social worker has been in contact with us and she told us that all we are waiting for is a report from the DMV. I'm not sure what that is, but it doesn't seem like too big of a deal and so things are looking good. As soon as our Foster Care SW has all of the paperwork she needs she will shcedule an appointment to come license our home. Then our adoption SW will come to our home and compelte our home study. Following that we are referred out to other social workers looking to place recently removed (or currently waiting) children in foster/adoptive homes. This process takes a little time, but things are moving along.



When we went to our orientation in February of last year we were told that the average waiting time is around 18 months. At the time I couldn't see how that was possible, but now I see it more clearly. This is not to say that I agree with the length of time or the process hurdles, just that I understand why that number was given. We are currently at the end of month 14. We are hopeful that we will come in below the average wait time (hopefully before the end of August), but we know that God has timed this all well. Things are moving along and we continue to get excited about the possibilities. Thank you for your prayers and support.

Adoption Journal #18

One year ago this week (actually a year and five days ago) Mandy and I sat in an orientation session for prospective adoptive/foster parents with our local county social service agency. We did this after months of prayer research into the topic and issue of adoption. As I have said before, we received mixed reactions when we told people that we were intent on adopting. Prior to ever setting foot in the orientation we were convinced that God was directing us as a couple to enter this world on faith. Now few people (even Christians) accept the answer of a decision being God’s will when they ask “why?” I appreciate this, but it doesn’t change the answer. More particularly Mandy and I were convinced that God was directing us to the Foster/Adopt track through our local county social service agency for a child known to have developmental or medical disabilities. Knowing this was going to be somewhat more difficult (in regards to time and emotional risk) than perhaps an international or private agency adoption, we have still pursued this path over the past year.
A year into this process and I begin to wonder how much longer it will be. Because of the dual nature of being approved through county adoptions and foster care this process is time consuming. Further, since some classes are only offered once every few months a missed window of opportunity can cost at least three months (this has been true for us). Now people who originally were supportive are beginning to questions whether or not we thought this whole thing through. Many people were excited and even thought that Mandy and I were so great to be following God’s lead; however, their thinking does not allow for hardship or wait when following God’s lead. Yet, this is exactly what we find in the Bible. Even now in the hardship and frustration I know there is purpose. Even now without my son or daughter I can look at the county child welfare system and echo Joseph’s words “You meant these bureaucratic hoops for evil, but God meant them for good (granted that is a bit paraphrased from Genesis).” I can’t begin to count the people we have run into who were on the fence about whether or not to pursue adoption of foster care who have allowed us to be an influence and a guide in this journey. I must say that there are countless more who have affirmed us and supported our journey through their prayer and constant encouragements, we are truly blessed by these. There is truly a reason for the struggles in this world.
There have been temptations for Mandy and I to go ahead and pursue a biological child first then later pursue an adoption. More than a few have suggested we do this. Yet, I remember what happened when Abraham stepped outside God’s plan for creating his family and the disastrous consequence of his impatience. A year is a long time to wait, but I know that God will continue to be faithful. I know that God’s faithfulness does not have an expiration date or needs to be renewed like a library card. God’s faithfulness is equal to whatever the situation. And for that I am grateful.

Adoption Journal #17

Well, Mandy and I went to our Foster Care Application Workshop the other evening in order to complete the requirements by Orange County soial services. We sat for three hours listening to the rules, regulations and expectations of the Foster Care branch of OC SSA. Much of what we heard was disheartening, and some contradicted things we had previously heard.We were told that Foster Care has a 120 day timeline once receiving our application. (Mind you we have already completed an Adoption application, 27 hours of parenting classes, 8 hours of First-Aid CPR, and 16 hours of further adoption classes over the past 12 months). Previously our county adoption worker had informed us to wait until we had completed our Birdge Builder classes (further adoption classes beyond th 27 hour PRIDE/parenting training) to submit our Foster application. She informed us that once our application was submitted that things would move quickly and that it was best to have everything completed. Now we find out that we could have submitted this three or four months ago and began the 120 day timeline, which would mean tha we would have our foster license now and be done with our requirements. Now we may need to wait another 4 months because we received some bad input. Further, the fact that our apartment complex has a pool and a little stream might delay us, according to the licensing worker we met with the other evening.All of this was a bit of a downer as we had begun to get excited with the painting of our child's room and the anticipation that it was a matter of weeks. Now it looks like things will take even longer. We pray that red-tape is cut and that the process goes a much-much-much quicker than expected.Overall, not a great week on the Adoption front. Again we are reminded that the system is broken. OC Social Service Adoptions and Foster Care (we have to go through both divisions to get a child) both require fingerprinting. Now Mandy and I have nothing to hide, but it seems a bit ridiculous to spend the money and effort for two sets of fingerprints when their offices are only separated by a couple inches of wood and plaster. This is just another example of the bureaucratic mechanism that makes it difficult for good people to take care of kids who need homes. It shouldn't be so hard.

Adoption Journal #16

Well, we are making some progress in our adoption efforts. This past Saturday we attended the first of two final adoption trainings through the Orange County Kinship Center in Santa Ana, Ca. The class was good, as far as classes go, and it served to reinvigorate our waiting experience. For many families child-rearing carries many physiological traits and changes long before the arrival of the child. As a woman's body changes in response to the child she is carrying, those around her react to reinforce this. People ask to touch the mother-to-be's "tummy" or see the latest ultrasound pictures. Men and family react to this change as well. Complete strangers approach the mother and ask "how many months?" or "do you know if it's a boy or girl?" questions that constantly serve as a means focusing the attention on the expected arrival. All of this serves a prepatory aid for parenthood.In adoption, many of these experiences are do not arrive naturally. People do not see a pregnant woman and so no one asks "how many months?" Food cravings don't change and life does not gradually crescendo to a happy arrival. Rather, months and months of waiting are followed by a few days of prep before the great arrival. This being the case, Mandy and I have been tryign to "nest" as well as we can. We headed over to Baby's-R-Us and picked out some furniture that could accomodate a boy or girl between the ages of 0-5 (a task parents of newborns do not need to worry about). Then we headed over to Lowe's to pick out some paint for our "gender neutral" room. (You'd be surprised how difficult it is to find a color that can accomodate boys and girls, especially when you have no idea what you are expecting, or what age). I think this process has been beneficial for both Mandy and I, but especially Mandy as the "Nesting" serves to focus her natural maternal tendencies.This has been a good weekend in regards to our process. Next Saturday we get our 1st Aid and CPR with the OC Red Cross, then we'll do the second class at the Kinship Cetner on February 23rd and hopefully be licensed soon after. We will have to turn in our foster care license application on February 13 (apparently it takes 3 hours to turn in the application, which is almost identical to the adoption application we spent 3 hours turning in sometime in April or May).So things are moving forward. Slowly, but crawling still gets you where you need to be if not immediately.

Juno (2007)

The other night my wife and I finally had the chance to see the surprise indie hit Juno. The movie stars Ellen Page (X-men 3) as the titular character who finds herself pregnant within the opening moments of the movie. Unlike other movies about adoption or teen pregnancy this movie tries to avoid romanticizing the situation, and more or less succeeds. Juno confides in a friend (and the baby's father) that she has decided to get an abortion. However, her experience at the abortion clinic is by no means positive. She is greeted outside the clinic by a friend from school who happens to be picketing. After an awkward discussion on school assignments, Juno enters the clinic. Once in the clinic the cold indifference of the receptionist and other distractions lead Juno to leave the clinic and make the decision to keep the baby. The rest of the movie follows Juno in her attempts to locate an adoptive family (played by Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman) and continue her pregnancy.While the movie does not advocate a traditional "pro-life" message it still promotes life. Sure, Juno, her best friend and her step-mother all put abortion on the table as a realistic option; however, Juno chooses not to go through with it in large part because she heard that the child inside her has fingernails. Since Juno's step-mother works in a beauty salon this resonates with Juno in a powerful way. The very fact that Juno chooses a family in which to offer life to, regardless of prior beliefs about "choice" speaks (whether it wants to or not) to the inherent value and pull that life can have on a person.This movie does not show abortion as romantic and legitimate (though the characters are not opposed to it). However, while adoption is not romanticized it is legitimized as real and meaningful. For me, any movie that can get away without being preachy, but still show the strengths of adoption (while not ignoring the struggles and frustrations of the situation) is well worth seeing, especially when it is done as well as Juno.