Across the country this week many Christian congregations will be acknowledging “Sanctity of Life” Sunday. I have talked in previous posts and articles about my feelings, in general, on Sanctity of Life of issues. However, here I would like to share an answer to a question I have been asked on a few occasions. The question has been asked in a variety of ways, but it boils down to the same thing. “Do you [Mandy or I] have any hard feelings toward your daughter’s biological mother?” The simple answer is “NO.” However, I would like to expound on it a little.
I’ve written elsewhere on statistic related to disability and abortion. In a nutshell, while less 1 out of 2 people consider themselves “pro-abortion” as many as 9 out of ten believe abortion is justified in certain cases, specifically if a disability is present. Our daughter did not have any disability diagnosed en utero, however, her situation would present a sympathetic case for abortion to many individuals. Our daughter’s biological mother had some disabilities (both developmental and emotional), she was poor, she was a frequent drug-user with a lengthy rap sheet. The biological father had a history of drug use, mental illness and criminal behavior on his side of the family. The bio-mother knew, or at least suspected (as did her case workers), that she would probably have her child taken away at birth (which is what happened.) It would have been the easiest thing to go over to a local clinic (tax-payer funded) and ask for some help. She would have been treated kindly, and been given a sympathetic ear. She would have been told how brave she was for terminating the pregnancy. She would have been told that she was doing the right thing for her baby. Few would have disagreed.
The fiercest advocates would have told bio-mother that the foster-system is no place for a child to grow up. They would have told her the prognosis for those babies born drug-affected. They would have told her that because of potential complications and resulting delays that this child would have a sub-par quality of life and that she would never be adopted and be bounced around the system. All of this would have justified the termination of a pregnancy. There are many sitting in church pews this morning who, when presented with this situation, would agree that an abortion would be the best course of action.
We don’t know why the biological mother decided to go through with the pregnancy. A lot of people will present their opinions, but only she truly knows. All we know is that we are continually thankful that this woman gave life to our little girl. She gave life and chance for hope and love. She gave life and a chance for Mandy and I to experience the joy that is our little girl. She gave life and has made better the lives of everyone who has come into contact with our little girl.
Just because we are thankful for our little girl finding us does not mean we ignore the road. We are grateful that situations and circumstances presented in such a way that our little girl came to us at just the right time in our journey. That being said, no judge, social worker or advocate in her case gets to say, “see it all worked out in the end.” The fact that the courts placed our girl in unsuitable homes, transitioned her 10 x’s in 3 years or allowed her to languish in the system for as long as she did is inexcusable. The fact that social workers could only find one couple (Mandy and I) in the county who were willing to take a child with special needs over the age of three is a travesty.
Until, believers who work in the child welfare system and/or disability services are willing to go beyond the bureaucratic minimum in service how can we fight back the arguments used by the sympathetically pro-choice? Until believers in the pews are willing to take home some of these children or support those who do how can we truly claim to follow one who claims to be “The Life?”
Our daughter is a reminder that hope stands in stark contrast to the tyranny of despair. She shouldn’t be with us, but she is. God has brought meaning to our expectation and therefore produced JOY. However, she is an ever-present reminder to us that there are more waiting for families. She is a clear reminder that bureaucratic red-tape, apathetic judges and advocates with a personal agenda cannot extinguish the Image of God gifted to all.
So, for those who want to know, I don’t have any hard feelings toward my little girl’s mother. I am grateful that God used her to bring Joy to our lives. (That is not to say that I condone her life or many of her actions. Nor is that to say that our little girl will not have to suffer consequences of her biological mother’s actions/inactions). For those of you who know someone (maybe it’s you) who is contemplating an abortion, I challenge you to show kindness and hope to that individual. I would also challenge you to examine your life and ask yourself if your life has moved beyond rhetoric to being truly life affirming.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Hurdles and Help (AJ #34)
Well last week we sat in our daughter’s IEP meeting. For those who don’t know, an IEP is an “Individualized Education Plan.” Basically, this is the plan that governs how special education is administered for each student. As a special educator I have sat in on many of these meetings wearing a number of hats. I have been present as an educator, social worker, administrator, advocate and casual observer. Until last week, I had never been present as a parent. I must say that being present as a parent is so far removed from any of my other experiences that it felt as if I was experiencing all of this for the first time.
The IEP team is comprised of the Special Education teacher, the Speech Therapist, the Occupational Therapist, the School Psychologist, the Regular Education Teacher and a School Administrator. In addition to the school personnel Mandy and I were present as was the court appointed advocate who currently holds all educational rights. Legally, since Mandy and I do not hold educational rights we are outsiders in the meeting. There is no legal place for us to sign the document. We actually have to sign on the “Other” line for purposes of taking attendance. Recent legislation dealing with foster children in special education has required that the court’s or the advocacy agency’s address be used on the forms leaving us with little acknowledgement on the form. There is a place on the IEP for the school to indicate that the student is living in a foster family home (FFH). Underneath this designation Mandy and I are listed as the administrators of this FFH. That’s it. That is all the space we take up. In a few months we’ll be vested with all legal rights and responsibilities, but until then we have to fight for a seat at the table.
I don’t mean to make this all sound negative. We absolutely love the teachers and staff at the new school and couldn’t be happier with the progress she is making. The school has set forth some reasonable goals and seems to have a fairly accurate appraisal of our daughter's potential. Yet, we realize more and more that the system is not designed to promote foster/adoptive parents becoming fully responsible and empowered parents.
At the IEP the advocate (without consulting us) decided to inform the IEP team that she wanted our daughter reevaluated and she wanted her eligibility changed. Her answer to “why” was, in short, “because I do.” By not soliciting our input the advocate was willing to make a decision that would affect other services (since most agencies rely heavily on educational testing and eligibility requirements for related services) and our daughter’s educational future. She was willing to do this, knowing that we would gain educational rights in a matter of 4 short months. She was basically saying that she didn’t trust our judgment in planning and advocating for our daughter and that she needed to shore things up before we took over and screwed everything up. Fortunately for all of us, the plan was put on hold. Mandy and I were able to ask some pointed questions that led the school to ask some more questions and all agreed to postpone talks of changing eligibility criteria until Mandy and I took legal control, including the advocate. Despite not having any legal authority in the meeting Mandy and I were eventually able to provide input. At one point we were asked if we had backgrounds in Special Education (since we seemed to know what all of the crazy acronyms meant). Once we explained the fact that we had graduate degrees in Special Education and Clinical Psychology and that we had extensive experience in the field, we were given more of an ear by the team, yet no authority. This is our little girl that we were discussing. The fact that we had no authority in the matter was frustrating.
However, it made us think of how many other foster parents might be in this situation and not have the expertise or experience needed to be able to advocate, not just for their child, but for their family. When we took our daughter home we also took on a team of 17+ “specialists” who were put in place to “assist” our daughter. As I have said before, we appreciate the need for expertise, but we also need to balance that with the need for normalcy and family development. We have been successful in eliminating (no we didn’t kill anyone. . .yet) a handful of specialists from the case, in order to provide our little girl a better sense of "normalcy." We have also been successful in transferring other services to people we know in the field. It is nice to have allies when you are navigating the system. This was accomplished, in large part, due to our personal relationships with other professionals in the system as well as our knowledge of the nuances of the system. However, too many families struggle lost in the system. Nearly 2/3 of all foster parents leave the system after less than 12 months. Contrary to popular opinion, this is not due to money. Rather it is due to the lack of support, resources and empowerment in their child(ren)’s life.
This is not to say that our little girl isn’t worth it. She is worth every obstacle, hurdle, bureaucrat, court advocate, well-intentioned (but misguided) volunteer, caustic remark about foster parents, state/county budget cutback, callous comment about disability and umpteenth specialist who knows exactly what OUR daughter needs. Without God, our family, friends, Church, and our own background and expertise we would have easily been frustrated enough to contemplate giving in. We’re fortunate. Even with the occasional frustration we have so much to be thankful for. We look at our little girl and she reminds us that she is worth it. She’s why we spend hours on the phone, at appointments and filling out paperwork. As frustrating as it can all be, there are times we look at our girl and say to ourselves that it has all been relatively easy for what we get in return. What we have gone through compared to what she has brought to us, does not even compare. She has definitely filled our lives with perspective.
However, many families continue to struggle and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. On behalf of them we ask for your help. If you are in a position to help a foster/adoptive family, please do so. If you can offer a kind word instead of a cynical observation, please do so. If you can offer to attend a meeting as moral support instead of the empty “thinking of you,” please do so. If you can be a surrogate aunt/uncle to a foster/adoptive child, please do so. If you can help, please do so.
For more information on how you can help, or if you know of someone who needs a little assistance check us out at http://www.mangerconsulting.com/
Or check out your local Foster Care/Social Service Agency for ways that you can partner or support these families.
The IEP team is comprised of the Special Education teacher, the Speech Therapist, the Occupational Therapist, the School Psychologist, the Regular Education Teacher and a School Administrator. In addition to the school personnel Mandy and I were present as was the court appointed advocate who currently holds all educational rights. Legally, since Mandy and I do not hold educational rights we are outsiders in the meeting. There is no legal place for us to sign the document. We actually have to sign on the “Other” line for purposes of taking attendance. Recent legislation dealing with foster children in special education has required that the court’s or the advocacy agency’s address be used on the forms leaving us with little acknowledgement on the form. There is a place on the IEP for the school to indicate that the student is living in a foster family home (FFH). Underneath this designation Mandy and I are listed as the administrators of this FFH. That’s it. That is all the space we take up. In a few months we’ll be vested with all legal rights and responsibilities, but until then we have to fight for a seat at the table.
I don’t mean to make this all sound negative. We absolutely love the teachers and staff at the new school and couldn’t be happier with the progress she is making. The school has set forth some reasonable goals and seems to have a fairly accurate appraisal of our daughter's potential. Yet, we realize more and more that the system is not designed to promote foster/adoptive parents becoming fully responsible and empowered parents.
At the IEP the advocate (without consulting us) decided to inform the IEP team that she wanted our daughter reevaluated and she wanted her eligibility changed. Her answer to “why” was, in short, “because I do.” By not soliciting our input the advocate was willing to make a decision that would affect other services (since most agencies rely heavily on educational testing and eligibility requirements for related services) and our daughter’s educational future. She was willing to do this, knowing that we would gain educational rights in a matter of 4 short months. She was basically saying that she didn’t trust our judgment in planning and advocating for our daughter and that she needed to shore things up before we took over and screwed everything up. Fortunately for all of us, the plan was put on hold. Mandy and I were able to ask some pointed questions that led the school to ask some more questions and all agreed to postpone talks of changing eligibility criteria until Mandy and I took legal control, including the advocate. Despite not having any legal authority in the meeting Mandy and I were eventually able to provide input. At one point we were asked if we had backgrounds in Special Education (since we seemed to know what all of the crazy acronyms meant). Once we explained the fact that we had graduate degrees in Special Education and Clinical Psychology and that we had extensive experience in the field, we were given more of an ear by the team, yet no authority. This is our little girl that we were discussing. The fact that we had no authority in the matter was frustrating.
However, it made us think of how many other foster parents might be in this situation and not have the expertise or experience needed to be able to advocate, not just for their child, but for their family. When we took our daughter home we also took on a team of 17+ “specialists” who were put in place to “assist” our daughter. As I have said before, we appreciate the need for expertise, but we also need to balance that with the need for normalcy and family development. We have been successful in eliminating (no we didn’t kill anyone. . .yet) a handful of specialists from the case, in order to provide our little girl a better sense of "normalcy." We have also been successful in transferring other services to people we know in the field. It is nice to have allies when you are navigating the system. This was accomplished, in large part, due to our personal relationships with other professionals in the system as well as our knowledge of the nuances of the system. However, too many families struggle lost in the system. Nearly 2/3 of all foster parents leave the system after less than 12 months. Contrary to popular opinion, this is not due to money. Rather it is due to the lack of support, resources and empowerment in their child(ren)’s life.
This is not to say that our little girl isn’t worth it. She is worth every obstacle, hurdle, bureaucrat, court advocate, well-intentioned (but misguided) volunteer, caustic remark about foster parents, state/county budget cutback, callous comment about disability and umpteenth specialist who knows exactly what OUR daughter needs. Without God, our family, friends, Church, and our own background and expertise we would have easily been frustrated enough to contemplate giving in. We’re fortunate. Even with the occasional frustration we have so much to be thankful for. We look at our little girl and she reminds us that she is worth it. She’s why we spend hours on the phone, at appointments and filling out paperwork. As frustrating as it can all be, there are times we look at our girl and say to ourselves that it has all been relatively easy for what we get in return. What we have gone through compared to what she has brought to us, does not even compare. She has definitely filled our lives with perspective.
However, many families continue to struggle and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. On behalf of them we ask for your help. If you are in a position to help a foster/adoptive family, please do so. If you can offer a kind word instead of a cynical observation, please do so. If you can offer to attend a meeting as moral support instead of the empty “thinking of you,” please do so. If you can be a surrogate aunt/uncle to a foster/adoptive child, please do so. If you can help, please do so.
For more information on how you can help, or if you know of someone who needs a little assistance check us out at http://www.mangerconsulting.com/
Or check out your local Foster Care/Social Service Agency for ways that you can partner or support these families.
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