FINALLY!!! (Adoption Journal #40-The Final Entry)

So, it is all finally over. This long chapter in our lives that began many years ago has now come to an exciting conclusion. Monday morning, in front of our family and friends at the Orange County Family and Probate Court Building, Mandy and I raised our right hands and took an oath before the Judge that we would bear all the responsibilities of being a legal parent. The judge was great. He was fun and encouraging. The entire day was great.

I had been to that court house dozens of times with various foster youth, never once have I heard the court room clap at a pronouncement. Monday was special. Monday was different. It was the joyous culmination of a long difficult process.

At the end of the day, as if on cue, Summer broke out into cheer. When she is excited she shouts “TA-TA-TA-DA” at the top of her lungs with her head leaned back in Joy. As if the Lord hadn’t provided enough confirmation, this was, yet again, another sign for Mandy and I of the goodness of God.

The judge said something profound at the end of the hearing which I’ll paraphrase now from my own faith perspective: In a world that is fallen and broken, for a brief moment we were able to see traces of Heaven.

So that’s it. Our adoption journey is over. This chapter in our lives is over and the next chapter has just started. We have been humbled by the countless individuals who have shared how our story has prompted them to become a foster parent or to adopt. We are blessed by the countless family members and friends who have prayerfully supported us through this journey. We look forward to their prayers and support in the years to come.

We are blessed mostly by a loving and sovereign God who did what He does best: Take Chaos and make Cosmos. In the chaos of the foster care system, the chaos of abuse and neglect, the chaos of a broken world, God took the discordant sounds of all of that and created the harmony of FAMILY. We are truly blessed.

Sadly though, all stories must end. This is the last of the posts we will make on this blog. We will continue to host it at this site, but as this chapter is over in our lives so is the use of this medium to tell it. We hope you have been blessed as we have.

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Lucky Ones (AJ # 39)

It’s hard to believe that we have less than two weeks to wait until this chapter in our lives is over. On June 1st, Mandy, Summer and I will enter the family court building in Orange, California (along with family and friends) and a judge will tell us that this part of our journey is over and that our family is legally a family. Granted we have been a family in the truest sense for over six months, but this final piece of the puzzle is vital and something we have longed for since we first began praying and talking about entering this process.
It’s only fitting that our adoption date is June 1st. May is national foster care month, which is fitting since at this point Mandy and I are legally foster parents. Once foster care month is over, Mandy and I will no longer be foster parents (in any legal sense).

This process has been difficult, trying and ultimately rewarding. We have had, on many occasions, the opportunity to tell the story of our family. During such times, many a well-wisher will tell us that “Summer is such a lucky girl.” We appreciate the sentiment. This friend or family member is letting us know that they respect us, that they think Mandy and I are providing a good home and they might even admire us for entering this journey. While, we appreciate these endearments and take them in the spirit they were given we must take a moment to argue the point.

First, every child deserves a family. Every child deserves, yes I’ll say it, a MOTHER and a FATHER. Children deserve love. Many never receive these. Many live in broken homes, in foster homes or orphanages throughout the world. The 500,000 currently residing in the US foster system would not be “lucky” to have a home. They would be were they belong. Our daughter spent 3 ½ years bouncing around the foster system, in hospitals, in group homes, and in the care of reprehensible individuals. She is now home. She is where she belongs. She is where ought to be.

Second, and most importantly, we want our daughter to know that we are the lucky ones**. Yes, it is true that Mandy and I entered this process to “choose” a child. But the truth of the matter is that she chose us. From the first moment we met, she made a choice to give us a try, when so many others had failed to live up to hope. She chose to bestow on us love, affection and warmth when she had known little of these things. She chose to smile and laugh living in the midst of chaos and sadness. She simply chose to have Mandy and I to be her “daddy and mommy.” So, who is the lucky, blessed or favored one?

Mandy and I decided awhile ago that we would not change her first name. (We didn’t want to confuse her) However, we did decide to give her our last name and to provide her a new middle name. We chose to give her the name JOY. Why? Happiness is fleeting, it is temporary and typically sensory based. Happiness is great and it’s great to be happy, but JOY is something deeper and different. JOY is intrinsically tied to purpose and meaning. Without meaning or purpose there can be no JOY. On Christmas we sing, “JOY to the world…” why or for what purpose? “The Lord is come.”

We have been created on purpose and imbued with meaning from a loving creator God. Animals can feel sensory pleasure that we might equate with “happiness,” but only those crafted in the image of God can experience real JOY. That blessed intersection of meaning and purpose.

When the Bible speaks of JOY, particularly in the New Testament, it is typically couple with a sense of fulfillment, a feeling of JOY that a long hope for ideal has now been fulfilled. We speak of God as being the completer our JOY. This idea that JOY is complete in God that JOY is the culmination of hopes and dreams and that true JOY cannot be stymied by the trials and tribulations or “present sufferings” of this world are the reasons our little girl is called JOY.

She is an ever-present reminder to us that while trouble and trials (the social services system, financial setback, behavior problems, emotional turmoil, etc) can sadden us, true JOY is eternally a gift from GOD.

**(If you want me to go on a theological tirade about fate, chance, luck, blessing and cursing I will do so and do so with authority, but for now we are using the word “luck”)

Making a Way (AJ #38)

Well, last week was our little girl’s birthday. We had a great time celebrating and tiring ourselves out. (And we haven’t even had the party yet). Her birthday week was a source of great joy in our family. Not only were we celebrating her birthday, but we received notice from our attorney that an adoption date has been set (June 1st). Now we have begun to countdown to the day when this amazing chapter will end in grand fashion and we will move into a new chapter in the life of our family.

This week also brought other good news into our lives. One month ago, Mandy lost her job. This was a blow to our family’s income and potential income. We decided to be patient and not look for another job. We weren’t sure how we would manage, but God had been faithful to us through this whole process and we knew it would work.

Let me explain. I am not from the “let go and let God” school of theology. Yes, I believe that God is sovereign. However, I also believe that as a being crafted in the image of God that we must take personal responsibility for our actions. There is an inherent danger in expecting God to act outside of Biblical principles. That being said, I do believe that when calls a person, or people, to act that He makes a way for His will to be done. Abraham and Isaac, Moses and the Israelites, Joshua at Jericho and more examples throughout the scriptures teach of God providing opportunities for those He calls to live out faith.

This process has been such an example. When we finished our home study and foster license procedures we were narrowed (by the county) to whom we could look for in our adoption process. We had originally been led to a child 0-5 years old, but were narrowed to a child 0-2. We decided not to fight this hurdle. We talked and prayed about it as a couple and were convinced that God had a child prepared for us. We also knew that, should the child He prepared be outside the 0-2 range, God would make a way. We figured we would get a call that went something like this…”I(the county social worker) know you were looking for a child 0-2 years old, but we have a X-year old that we were wondering if you would want to hear about.” We knew if we got that call then we were hearing about our child.

As things work out, the call didn’t go something like the above. It went exactly like the above. Within a week after our homestudy was finally submitted we got that exact call about a three-year old girl. Mandy took the call and after hearing about this, unknown, little girl her response to the social worker was, “she sounds perfect.” Mandy was right.

Later we came to know that had our homestudy been completed on time (it was about 4 months late), or had our training not been interrupted (we missed the first possible training date and had to wait 6 months) we would have missed the match God had prepared for us. While we waited God prepared us. We read up on various issues, we were able to impress upon others the importance of foster care/adoption and we were able to spend quality time together (always with the thought that it wouldn’t be long and who knows when we might get to do this or that again?).

So, when we lost a little over 25% of our income (even after unemployment) we were concerned, but not afraid. We dealt with it as a serious matter and tried to readjust our lives, yet we did not allow it to trip us up. Sure, I kept wondering how we were going to pay our student loan bills (which seem almost un-payable during the best of times), but we trusted. We had hoped to be able to afford for Mandy to work fewer hours in order to be home more with Summer, but did not expect it in this way. However, one month later we have seen that it was the right thing for our family. Summer is happy, Mandy is happy and I am happy to see them so. Yet, money was still a factor.

The answers came in two ways. First, social services (without knowing about our financial needs) increased the monthly stipend Summer receives for services and needs (a rate she will receive until she is 18, even after the adoption is final). Second, after working to 50% adjunct jobs in two different college districts, I was offered a full-time faculty position on Summer’s birthday. These new developments have taken care of our financial needs and still allow for Mandy to spend the time with Summer that they both desired.

I don’t write this to say that God will relieve all financial burdens. Nor, do I say that this process hasn’t been hard and extremely stressful. It has taxed our resources. Mandy’s job loss is directly related to her needing family leave to bond when Summer was placed with us. Also, I don’t adopt the “all's well that ends well” view of life’s circumstances. What I do believe is that when God calls He provides a way, and we do believe we were called to this journey. If Mandy and I have learned nothing else, we have learned this.

de facto Parents (AJ #37)

De facto is a Latin expression that means "concerning the fact" or in practice but not necessarily ordained by law. It is commonly used in contrast to de jure (which means "concerning the law") when referring to matters of law, governance, or technique (such as standards) that are found in the common experience as created or developed without or contrary to a regulation. When discussing a legal situation, de jure designates what the law says, while de facto designates action of what happens in practice. It is analogous and similar to the expressions "for all intents and purposes" or "in fact".

Not many people I know have had the opportunity to sit in the hallways of the county family court building. I have had numerous occasions as a social worker to sit with foster children from group homes as they waited their appointed time with the judge overseeing their cases. Since, the proceedings of family court are "confidential" all of the waiting children, parents, social workers, caregivers, etc wait together (even if they aren't really supposed to have contact) outside their appointed court room on long white benches in a long white hallway. Sometime during the morning (of course everyone checks in at 8:30am, but may not be called until noon or later) a lawyer, maybe one you have never met, comes out and shouts your name (so much for confidentiality). Your lawyer takes you over to an empty area of the hallway and discusses your case for a few minutes then tells you that he/she will be back when the judge is ready. So you wait again. Like I said, I have done this countless times with various youth. However, last Friday was the first time my own family was to be discussed in family court.

After about an hour and a half a woman came out of the court room shouting my daughter's last name, this was my daughter's lawyer. She grabbed another attorney and asked him if he was assigned to my case. Without looking at me, he answered her in the affirmative. Then he turned to me and said, "hi, I'm Ken. I'm your attorney, follow me." I followed him into the court and sat next to him in front of the judge. Once all of the attorneys had introduced themselves (attorney for social services, for my daughter, for me, and for a couple of other interests) the judge began. She stated that she had been given several reports regarding our family and that she was ready to grant de facto status to Mandy and I. I smiled and nodded and that was that.

Now Mandy and I have full educational rights (which for those who have never dealt with the world of special education, this is a huge deal and something we fought for), we are also now authorized to provide medical treatment as befits any parent. Finally, this new I de facto status allow the court to appoint an attorney on our behalf (Ken) who will handle the filing of paperwork with the state in order for our adoption to be complete.

In the court's eyes were are in fact parents. We operate as parents and rear our child as parents. To most of the world we inhabit, we are no different from any other parent fulfilling their role as parent. We now have one last hurdle. We are now moving from de facto status to de jure status. Once the adoption is finalized our daughter will have a new birth certificate, we will be given the full and complete authority that any parent already enjoys. We will move from being parents in practice to parents in the full legal sense of the word. We are hopeful that this will happen in the next couple of months and are eagerly anticipating this next step.

However, my day in court reminded me why the system bugs me and how broken it is. Throughout this process Mandy and I have been reminded by the representative from social services, our daughter's lawyer, the court's advocate and finally by the judge herself that our daughter has been through a lot of placements and that we need to make sure that we are providing a good home. On one hand I understand the concern. Mandy and I are striving to provide a good home. However, we find it a tad disingenuous when all of the parties who had the legal mandate, the moral mandate and the legal authority to prevent the situations that transpired since our daughter entered the system nearly four years ago to admonish us considering we are the only ones in this situation who have lived up to our moral and legal mandate.

Regardless of all of that, we are just happy to be one step closer to finalization. Later this month we will sign the paperwork for the adoption which will work it's way through the state capitol and back down to the county. We look forward to the day we're presented with a new birth certificate and papers letting us know that (at least legally in the court's eyes) we are not just our daughter's parents "for all intents and purposes," but are truly vested with the authority and status of a legal family.

Nunner (AJ #36)

It has been awhile since we last wrote about our journey. Life has been good in our little home. Our daughter has been growing in leaps and bounds. It’s the seemingly little things that make an big impact on us like when Mandy or I ask her who her family is and she points at each of us and says, “daddy, mommy” then pointing at herself she says “nunners (which is how she pronounces her name).” Afterward she smiles and laughs we all clap. The fact that she knows her family after all she has been through is a miracle in and of itself. Moments like that buoy our spirits when the rollercoaster ride of social services gets rocky.

It’s not as if we didn’t expect the intrusive nature of the process. But no matter how much you expect something, it doesn’t mean you are always going to be prepared, and it definitely doesn’t mean you are going to like it. In the past four weeks we have had meetings with our daughter’s Regional Center service coordinator, her court appointed attorney, her county social worker, and her court appointed advocate in addition to a couple of doctor’s appointments. Next week we have an appointment at family court with the judge. The fact that between the two of us we are taking a day off of work every other week does nothing to endear us to our employers, but it’s what must be done. This is a challenge shared by many families across the country.

Strangers asking the same question over and over again as if they were the first one to ask. People with clipboards looking over your home as you cringe trying to remember the last time you cleaned the bathroom. The endless piles of paperwork required at every meeting can be a bit daunting. All the while you hear rumors that this service or that service might be cut due to State/County budget cuts. Don’t’ get me wrong, the minute “Nunners” runs up to her mommy and daddy and gives us a kiss, it all seems easy for what we get in return. Nonetheless, it does not stop us from wondering if this process could be easier.

Not a week goes by in which we wonder how some families cope. We were blessed a couple of weekends ago to have Grandma and Grandpa babysit while we took a nice Valentine’s night out. Support like that allows for a little rest from the process, because the process, not our daughter, is the true drain of our energy (emotionally and physically). Knowing you’re supported is a powerful thing. Support comes to us in the form of friends who pray for us or family that babysits. Support comes in the form of a Valentine card with candy sent by her four-year old cousin. Support comes from the twelve-year old next door neighbor (who we greet every morning as we make our way to the bus) who gave a girl she barely knew a bag of toys. These come as glimpses of grace sent by the almighty and we are encouraged each day by them.

Many families in the process do not have that support, and aren’t sure were to look. We are also blessed to know many families who have been through (or are in) the process themselves. Last Sunday we chatted with a friend who heads up an adoptive families ministry at our church. We talked about how nice it was to be able to provide mutual support with people who understand. This leads us to recommend that if you are in the process of adoption or fostering get in touch with positive local networks, it makes a difference.

The one big change that has happened is that Mandy went back to work a couple of weeks ago. This has been a hard transition, but it’s working out. We found a local daycare at a Foursquare Church in town. Nunner gets bussed there after her Early Intervention Preschool and spends her afternoons there. After a little bit of a rocky start with the administration who didn’t seem wholly prepared (despite our full disclosure of services and needs our daughter has through the school and Regional Center) for our little girl, we have all settled into a nice routine. She seems to love her classroom and her teacher. We are blessed that she has taken to the setting so readily. It was important for us to have her in a setting that was simply another “special education” setting. Here she is making friends and learning a lot of good things.

With the exception of the weekly interruptions by court workers and others, this is a great time in our family. We are constantly counting down the days until the courts grant us the legal authority and rights we have longed for.

Life Affirming (AJ #35)

Across the country this week many Christian congregations will be acknowledging “Sanctity of Life” Sunday. I have talked in previous posts and articles about my feelings, in general, on Sanctity of Life of issues. However, here I would like to share an answer to a question I have been asked on a few occasions. The question has been asked in a variety of ways, but it boils down to the same thing. “Do you [Mandy or I] have any hard feelings toward your daughter’s biological mother?” The simple answer is “NO.” However, I would like to expound on it a little.
I’ve written elsewhere on statistic related to disability and abortion. In a nutshell, while less 1 out of 2 people consider themselves “pro-abortion” as many as 9 out of ten believe abortion is justified in certain cases, specifically if a disability is present. Our daughter did not have any disability diagnosed en utero, however, her situation would present a sympathetic case for abortion to many individuals. Our daughter’s biological mother had some disabilities (both developmental and emotional), she was poor, she was a frequent drug-user with a lengthy rap sheet. The biological father had a history of drug use, mental illness and criminal behavior on his side of the family. The bio-mother knew, or at least suspected (as did her case workers), that she would probably have her child taken away at birth (which is what happened.) It would have been the easiest thing to go over to a local clinic (tax-payer funded) and ask for some help. She would have been treated kindly, and been given a sympathetic ear. She would have been told how brave she was for terminating the pregnancy. She would have been told that she was doing the right thing for her baby. Few would have disagreed.
The fiercest advocates would have told bio-mother that the foster-system is no place for a child to grow up. They would have told her the prognosis for those babies born drug-affected. They would have told her that because of potential complications and resulting delays that this child would have a sub-par quality of life and that she would never be adopted and be bounced around the system. All of this would have justified the termination of a pregnancy. There are many sitting in church pews this morning who, when presented with this situation, would agree that an abortion would be the best course of action.
We don’t know why the biological mother decided to go through with the pregnancy. A lot of people will present their opinions, but only she truly knows. All we know is that we are continually thankful that this woman gave life to our little girl. She gave life and chance for hope and love. She gave life and a chance for Mandy and I to experience the joy that is our little girl. She gave life and has made better the lives of everyone who has come into contact with our little girl.
Just because we are thankful for our little girl finding us does not mean we ignore the road. We are grateful that situations and circumstances presented in such a way that our little girl came to us at just the right time in our journey. That being said, no judge, social worker or advocate in her case gets to say, “see it all worked out in the end.” The fact that the courts placed our girl in unsuitable homes, transitioned her 10 x’s in 3 years or allowed her to languish in the system for as long as she did is inexcusable. The fact that social workers could only find one couple (Mandy and I) in the county who were willing to take a child with special needs over the age of three is a travesty.
Until, believers who work in the child welfare system and/or disability services are willing to go beyond the bureaucratic minimum in service how can we fight back the arguments used by the sympathetically pro-choice? Until believers in the pews are willing to take home some of these children or support those who do how can we truly claim to follow one who claims to be “The Life?”
Our daughter is a reminder that hope stands in stark contrast to the tyranny of despair. She shouldn’t be with us, but she is. God has brought meaning to our expectation and therefore produced JOY. However, she is an ever-present reminder to us that there are more waiting for families. She is a clear reminder that bureaucratic red-tape, apathetic judges and advocates with a personal agenda cannot extinguish the Image of God gifted to all.
So, for those who want to know, I don’t have any hard feelings toward my little girl’s mother. I am grateful that God used her to bring Joy to our lives. (That is not to say that I condone her life or many of her actions. Nor is that to say that our little girl will not have to suffer consequences of her biological mother’s actions/inactions). For those of you who know someone (maybe it’s you) who is contemplating an abortion, I challenge you to show kindness and hope to that individual. I would also challenge you to examine your life and ask yourself if your life has moved beyond rhetoric to being truly life affirming.

Hurdles and Help (AJ #34)

Well last week we sat in our daughter’s IEP meeting. For those who don’t know, an IEP is an “Individualized Education Plan.” Basically, this is the plan that governs how special education is administered for each student. As a special educator I have sat in on many of these meetings wearing a number of hats. I have been present as an educator, social worker, administrator, advocate and casual observer. Until last week, I had never been present as a parent. I must say that being present as a parent is so far removed from any of my other experiences that it felt as if I was experiencing all of this for the first time.

The IEP team is comprised of the Special Education teacher, the Speech Therapist, the Occupational Therapist, the School Psychologist, the Regular Education Teacher and a School Administrator. In addition to the school personnel Mandy and I were present as was the court appointed advocate who currently holds all educational rights. Legally, since Mandy and I do not hold educational rights we are outsiders in the meeting. There is no legal place for us to sign the document. We actually have to sign on the “Other” line for purposes of taking attendance. Recent legislation dealing with foster children in special education has required that the court’s or the advocacy agency’s address be used on the forms leaving us with little acknowledgement on the form. There is a place on the IEP for the school to indicate that the student is living in a foster family home (FFH). Underneath this designation Mandy and I are listed as the administrators of this FFH. That’s it. That is all the space we take up. In a few months we’ll be vested with all legal rights and responsibilities, but until then we have to fight for a seat at the table.

I don’t mean to make this all sound negative. We absolutely love the teachers and staff at the new school and couldn’t be happier with the progress she is making. The school has set forth some reasonable goals and seems to have a fairly accurate appraisal of our daughter's potential. Yet, we realize more and more that the system is not designed to promote foster/adoptive parents becoming fully responsible and empowered parents.

At the IEP the advocate (without consulting us) decided to inform the IEP team that she wanted our daughter reevaluated and she wanted her eligibility changed. Her answer to “why” was, in short, “because I do.” By not soliciting our input the advocate was willing to make a decision that would affect other services (since most agencies rely heavily on educational testing and eligibility requirements for related services) and our daughter’s educational future. She was willing to do this, knowing that we would gain educational rights in a matter of 4 short months. She was basically saying that she didn’t trust our judgment in planning and advocating for our daughter and that she needed to shore things up before we took over and screwed everything up. Fortunately for all of us, the plan was put on hold. Mandy and I were able to ask some pointed questions that led the school to ask some more questions and all agreed to postpone talks of changing eligibility criteria until Mandy and I took legal control, including the advocate. Despite not having any legal authority in the meeting Mandy and I were eventually able to provide input. At one point we were asked if we had backgrounds in Special Education (since we seemed to know what all of the crazy acronyms meant). Once we explained the fact that we had graduate degrees in Special Education and Clinical Psychology and that we had extensive experience in the field, we were given more of an ear by the team, yet no authority. This is our little girl that we were discussing. The fact that we had no authority in the matter was frustrating.

However, it made us think of how many other foster parents might be in this situation and not have the expertise or experience needed to be able to advocate, not just for their child, but for their family. When we took our daughter home we also took on a team of 17+ “specialists” who were put in place to “assist” our daughter. As I have said before, we appreciate the need for expertise, but we also need to balance that with the need for normalcy and family development. We have been successful in eliminating (no we didn’t kill anyone. . .yet) a handful of specialists from the case, in order to provide our little girl a better sense of "normalcy." We have also been successful in transferring other services to people we know in the field. It is nice to have allies when you are navigating the system. This was accomplished, in large part, due to our personal relationships with other professionals in the system as well as our knowledge of the nuances of the system. However, too many families struggle lost in the system. Nearly 2/3 of all foster parents leave the system after less than 12 months. Contrary to popular opinion, this is not due to money. Rather it is due to the lack of support, resources and empowerment in their child(ren)’s life.

This is not to say that our little girl isn’t worth it. She is worth every obstacle, hurdle, bureaucrat, court advocate, well-intentioned (but misguided) volunteer, caustic remark about foster parents, state/county budget cutback, callous comment about disability and umpteenth specialist who knows exactly what OUR daughter needs. Without God, our family, friends, Church, and our own background and expertise we would have easily been frustrated enough to contemplate giving in. We’re fortunate. Even with the occasional frustration we have so much to be thankful for. We look at our little girl and she reminds us that she is worth it. She’s why we spend hours on the phone, at appointments and filling out paperwork. As frustrating as it can all be, there are times we look at our girl and say to ourselves that it has all been relatively easy for what we get in return. What we have gone through compared to what she has brought to us, does not even compare. She has definitely filled our lives with perspective.

However, many families continue to struggle and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. On behalf of them we ask for your help. If you are in a position to help a foster/adoptive family, please do so. If you can offer a kind word instead of a cynical observation, please do so. If you can offer to attend a meeting as moral support instead of the empty “thinking of you,” please do so. If you can be a surrogate aunt/uncle to a foster/adoptive child, please do so. If you can help, please do so.

For more information on how you can help, or if you know of someone who needs a little assistance check us out at http://www.mangerconsulting.com/
Or check out your local Foster Care/Social Service Agency for ways that you can partner or support these families.