August Rush (2007)

Madeleine L'Engle says that God creates Cosmos from Chaos. This she relates to the work of the artist taking color, words or music and bringing them into harmony. This weekend my wife and I had an opportunity to see this "Cosmos from Chaos" displayed on the big screen. August Rush is, at once, a movie about an orphan trying to find his family, and at the same time a movie about the manner in which God works in the world.While the storyline borrows heavily from Oliver Twist it diverges in important ways. August Rush tells the story of professional Cellist, Lyla, and up-and-coming rock 'n' roller, Michael. The meet one night fall in love, but are torn apart by family. Michael never knows that Lyla is pregnant, and Lyla is tricked into thinking her child has died at birth (after her father forges her name on adoption papers). For ten years their offspring grows up in an orphanage before making his way to find his parents.Evan (renamed August by Robin Williams playing the Fagin role) finds himself in New York. He has always heard music and believes that music will eventually bring his family together. So, music plays a central theme in the story. August stands in Time Square and listens to every noise around him and slowly it turns into a symphony. This happens again later in the story at a point when August's musical genius is recognized.I loved the manner in which August is able to listen to noise and hear something else. In the hands of one person a trumpet makes noise, but in the hands of a skilled musician it makes music. Apparently random notes turn into something all together different in the hands of one who understands the purpose of each note.I love the way God takes the noise and disparate sounds of our lives and turns it into Music. God takes the apparent random events in our lives and gives them purpose. We become music when the noises and sounds of our lives are played by God. The same is true of the Church. Every note is important, every instrument is vital for a symphonic experience. An orchestra is incomplete without Flutes, Cellos and Trumpets, but it is just as incomplete without Baritones and Tubas. A piece of music is incomplete without all of the notes, harmony and melody. A church is incomplete in the same fashion. At first glance, a church with the disabled or foster children or homeless might look like chaos, but we know that our God bring Cosmos (Order & Beauty) out of Chaos

Adoption Journal #15

Why is it the holidays change people? All year long we've received a lot of support from friends about our adoption. We purposely delayed having biological children in order to pursue adoption. In truth the adoption has taken longer than we expected, but we are making progress. However, the last couple of weeks we have felt the sting of having an "empty nest." We were recently invited to a party, but asked to come two hours after the "moms" arrived. This was a little confusing, since we have spent a greater part of the year with the families invited to this party. Mandy has volunteered to help with children's parties, so the other mothers could focus on their children, but now we are isolated and singled out. During this party there were several occasions when the hostess made a distinction between Mandy and the mothers. During games she made a comment that this particular game would test how good the moms could do, then through in an aside in an attempt to include Mandy. I love my wife and respect the fact that she works over 40 hours a week at a difficult job counseling difficult children, then still finds the time to volunteer with the disability ministry at our church on Sundays, as well as being a good Aunt to our nieces and nephews and supportive of this person's children. During the party Mandy won a prize of candles and again the "no kids" issue was thrown out. Mandy was told that it was good she won that prize and not a mother since candles are safer without kids.This is a difficult time. On one side we get people who think it is so great that we are adopted, you know the "bless-your-heart" people. Then we get people who want to know why we aren't having our "own" kids. (Under this premise God can't love a person as much as their biological parents since He has chosen to adopt us). Now we get excluded from friends and family because we haven't produced children. It is hard to wait for the adoption. We could have gone the biological route long ago, but God had other plans. It is just difficult doing something taxing and tiring when people pile on. I know God has great things in store, but it breaks my heart that people can be so dense. It is hard to listen to people tell you that we're such great people for adopting then do everything possible to make us feel like we made a mistake. Pressure from family and friends to bring a child into our home doesn't make things easier.I know I'm venting and that everyone has not been so dense. In fact, we have a lot a great support from both family and friends, but painful comments seem to stick around easier than the supportive comments. We pray that God will give us more of a Teflon skin when it comes to these comments, and I hope that when you meet someone going through an adoption that you're supportive of their decision and don't give them reason to doubt.Mandy and I bought a stocking for our child-to-be. It serves a reminder that God has planned our family in advance and that our son or daughter is well in our hearts even if they are not in our home. Not everyone understands this, but we are thankful that God has given us the gift in our hearts at this Christmas season. It helps get through the frustrating times. It makes us hopeful and stronger. It makes us family.

Bella (2007)

This week Mandy and I took a few hours to see the movie Bella. Bella is the story of a young man who had been a promising soccer star with the potential to earn millions of dollars until he is involved in a driving accident costing the life of a young girl who had been playing in the street. As a result he gives up his soccer dreams and works as a chef in his brother's restaurant. One of the waitresses in the restaurant is fired for being repeatedly late, so our soccer star decides to get to know her. Through their day together he discovers that she is pregnant and considering an abortion. As he gets to know her better and introduces her to his family throughout the day, the idea of adoption is gradually brought into the picture.This movie is well done. This is a good movie, though probably not a great movie. It is not full of twists and turns, nor is it a surprise where the movie will end up (after all it's been promoted through Churches). What is important is where it goes and where it ends up. This is a movie that needs to be promoted by the Church. This is a movie that needs to be seen by every woman considering an abortion. No, I don't believe that it will change everyone's life. However, if it changes just one, than it's worth it.It's a simple movie with a simple, yet powerful message. It is a story about second chances, redemption and moving past our mistakes. In the story we see the guilt of taking a life, but we also see how someone moves past that. Too often people feel guilt over one thing or another, but consistently do the same stupid mistakes. Too often people talk about how evil abortion is, but do nothing to make room for these children through adoption or adoption support. Too little is done to include children with disabilities in the church, though as many as 85% are in danger of abortion, because there is no room for them. In Bella, we see someone who says that life is important and the taking of life is no small thing. In the story we see him live up to his ideals. This makes it a necessary movie.Critics can complain that the movie is overly sentimental or too predictable. I don't care. Good is good.

Disney and Family Values/ Meet the Robinsons (2007)

I have been thinking about family value recently and the issues that surround these values. I looked to see who was talking about foster car, adoption and disabilities. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the church or Christian media, it was Disney.Meet the RobinsonsMandy and I rented the movie Meet the Robinsons the other evening. We loved it. It is refreshing to see a movie that is uplifting and fun that also touches on a theme that is important to us. Louis Robinson is an orphan living in an orphanage. While the movie spends most of the time with time travel and eluding a villain, the fact that Louis is an orphan is prominent throughout the film. The movie shows some of the frustrations of trying to be adopted along with some of the hopes and dreams of children waiting for their forever families. What is family? How does one define family? Are all presented in this film and make it a worthwhile piece of entertainment. This is not the first time that Disney (or an affiliate) has taken on a subject of great moral importance. Unfortunately, Christian filmmakers have long avoided or overly romanticized subjects such as adoption or foster care allowing Disney and others to do the work they should have done.Take for instance Lilo and Stitch (2002) that portrayed a heroine involved with the foster system that didn’t fit the classic princess mold. Both of these movies, along with others, serve as reminders of how Christian media misses opportunities time and again to make meaningful films that introduce ideas and values to a receptive audience without being stereotypical, overly dramatic or romantic.Disney ChannelRecently, I have grown very frustrated with the local Christian radio station near my home. The evening are hosted by John Tesh who is more likely to quote Oprah or Dr. Phil than make a reference to God or even the Church. The station producers feel that “family friendly” is the same a Christian, but that is a poor assumption. You might also assume that the call letters of KFSH (The Fish) indicate the station is Christian, but no one really knows what that means in music industry terms. The commercials tend to gravitate towards cosmetic surgery or financial growth, which we all know is the true meaning of Christian (he says with a wink and a nudge). Any time a song comes along country radio that appears “family friendly” it instantly gets played on “the Fish,” regardless of whether that artist has a song about shacking up, getting drunk or some other “family un-friendly” behavior on his or her album, as well. I don’t get it and I don’t understand the rationale behind the “family friendly” equation.Contrast this with a commercial I heard on radio Disney the other day. It was targeted at children during the Christmas season asking them to treat other children with disabilities or special needs well. It told children to include other children and to be nice to everyone. It said that some children learn differently and need help to fell included. I had never heard a commercial like that before. When I heard it I did a double check to make sure of the station. This is something that should have appeared on a Christian station, but I know it never will. It is unfortunate that I have to rely on Disney to promote real family values when the church and Christian media will not.

Adoption Journal #14

Two things happened this past month that Mandy and I were excited to see.First, we had the opportunity to attend an Adoption Workshop hosted by Mariner's church and Miracle of Adoption (http://www.miracleofadoption.org/). This event was a great place to get information on adoption options and to learn how to begin an adoption ministry in your own congregation. We had the opportunity to meet some wonderful people and to share stories while making friends. Miracle of Adoption, His Children, Bethany Christian Services and Mariner's Church are all working to bring children and families together.Second, A couple in our church along with some of the Church staff and myself decided to begin an Adoption Ministry. We had our first meeting a couple of days ago (November is National Adoption Month) and we are excited about where this might lead. The potential leaders of this ministry seem to have a real heart for Adoption and it looks as though we can use the influence of the Church to encourage those who are thinking about adoption and to support those in the process. We're excited.

Adoption Journal #13

Well, Mandy and I have completed our individual interviews with our social worker. We were both asked about our childhood and our families. It was interesting to have to delve into childhood memories, intimacy and family issues with a complete stranger (well pretty nearly). Yet we both managed.Now we are waiting to take another series of classes. Either we will be taking six Wednesday night classes or two full Saturdays of class. No classes are scheduled for the rest of the year, but we are hopeful that we can get the classes done by the beginning of February.After these classes are done we will be ready to get licensed by Orange County Foster Care. Once our home is licensed for foster care we will be able to complete the homestudy and begin receiving referrals. We are hopeful that our son or daughter will be in our home as early as April or May of next year, but you never know.

Adoption Journal #13

Well, Mandy and I have completed our individual interviews with our social worker. We were both asked about our childhood and our families. It was interesting to have to delve into childhood memories, intimacy and family issues with a complete stranger (well pretty nearly). Yet we both managed.Now we are waiting to take another series of classes. Either we will be taking six Wednesday night classes or two full Saturdays of class. No classes are scheduled for the rest of the year, but we are hopeful that we can get the classes done by the beginning of February.After these classes are done we will be ready to get licensed by Orange County Foster Care. Once our home is licensed for foster care we will be able to complete the homestudy and begin receiving referrals. We are hopeful that our son or daughter will be in our home as early as April or May of next year, but you never know.

Adoption Journal #12

This past week Mandy and I met with our adoption social worker to discuss progress and some of the needed requirements we have yet to complete. Allison (our SW) was great. She seemed to really be supportive and we needed that. It's exciting that things are coming into place, but a little anxiety producing as well. Most of our family and friends know that we are looking at a "special needs adoption," that does not mean that most understand what that is. Most of our family and friends have little idea of what Mandy and I do for a living and the individuals we have the opportunity to meet on a daily basis. This lack of knowledge leads to some uncomfortable situations. Listening to friends and family talk about ideas, remote controls, drivers, DVD players, etc. as being "retarded" is difficult. What if our son or daughter is diagnosed with mental retardation? Will our family and friends be able to change from thinking that something broken or defective is synonymous with "retarded" to a mindset where this little child (possible niece, nephew, god-child, grandchild, etc.) is made in God's image and part of the family? I worry about that. A individual who will be close to my son or daughter was telling me the other day about this miracle juice that has "cured" autism. He also told me that people have reported being cured of cancer as a result of this beverage. He told me that this juice creates a balance in our bodies and something about fatty acids and the brain. Then he told me something that added to my adoption anxiety. He said, "After all, God didn't make us to be sick." There are many ways to take this comment, but in context with the person who made the comment, there is really only one way to follow this comment. Taken to its logical conclusion it is scary. By coupling the juice with the comment, this person is saying that God did not design us to be sick (regardless of the fall). Therefore, sickness (autism in this context is a sickness, therefore most neurological or developmental disorders must ipso facto be sickness) is outside the will of God. God does not want you to be sick, therefore, you should not be sick. Therefore, sickness is a result of you personally living outside God's will. However, there is a cure for this sickness, this juice (or any fad therapy). If then you are not drinking the juice or not giving it to your child with autism then you are committing an act tantamount to child abuse at worst or neglect, at best. Many people reading this think I have taken this comment the wrong way and that this person would not think I was neglecting my son if I withheld this juice or abusing my daughter if I listened to my doctor instead of Jenny McArthy. Unfortunately, you're wrong.My sister-in-law has a son with Autism. She has been diligent about securing the best information and following her doctor's advice and caseworkers suggestions. However, she was accosted at church last week by a group of women who saw Jenny McArthy on Oprah and informed my sister-in-law that she was not taking care of her son as she should since he still ate glutens in his diet. They also told her that her youngest son (about 1 1/2 years old) was being placed in danger because she was following through with his vaccinations. These women were her friends (church friends no less) and had never read a journal article or talked to a doctor or a special education teachers, but they were ready to demonize my sister-in-law for not following the advice of a former playmate who thinks Jim Carey is the "autism whisperer." And you think I have no reason to be anxious. Please.

Adoption Journal #11

We finally received a call from our assigned adoption worker, Allison. It has been a long-time coming and we are filled with expectation. Unfortunately, we have been playing phone tag with our worker, but we are confident that we will be able to schedule a meeting with her very soon. Expectation is an interesting thing. There is not a day that goes by that Mandy or I don't think about our child. Most people going through labor only have to wonder what the sex of the child will be. Even that can usually be figured out fairly early. For us there are questions about gender, age, ethnicity and development. It is a little difficult to prepare when you don't know the child's age. Furniture, clothes, supplies, etc. all tend to be age specific, and we can't be sure we are having a newborn.Our expectation is a little different from a biological birth in another important way. Most expectant parents are given a date by their doctor on which they can expect their baby. While not all babies arrive exactly on time, most arrive within an acceptable time frame on either side of the expected date. We have no idea when our date is. This not knowing is a little nerve-racking, and, at times, a little frustrating. It is hard not knowing, it is hard to wait, it is hard to be patient, both with Orange County Social Services and with God. However, I take comfort in another man who waited to see a child.Luke 2 verses 25 & 26 provide a little glimpse into a man named Simeon. The Holy Spirit had told him that he would not die before he saw the Christ-child. Imagine being told that you would see the Christ-child and having to wait for the fulfillment of that promise? We don't know what age Simeon was when he received his promise, but it could have been years. I wonder if he woke up every morning thinking " today could be the day." I can understand that kind of thinking. I am sure that Simeon hoped that each day would be "the day" he was face to face with his Lord. Yet, he had to wait and wait. I take comfort in the fact that God does not make us wait in vain and that hope the is anchored in Christ will not disappoint no matter how difficult the waiting is.

Adoption Journal #10

Well, things are moving along. In the past couple of weeks since we have submitted our application, the process has been rolling. In reflection on this process we have grown more thankful (not that we weren't prior) for our friends and family who are supporting us through this endeavor.One of the requirements on the application is the inclusion of potential references (3 non-family and 1 family member). Having friends who are willing to talk well of you to others is important. Our friends have been excited to be part of this process with us and we are excited to have them. This idea of "references" has made me more aware that I should be living my life among my friends so that they never have to lie when asked for a character reference. I'm hoping they haven't had to. Mandy and I are thankful for our friends that have been encouraging as we move through this process. Friends here near our homes, friends in such diverse places as Keizer, Oregon; Redlands, California; San Fernando Valley, California and friends in California's San Joaquin Valley. It is great to know that we are welcoming our son or daughter into a community that includes such diverse people of character.Family is usually a great reference. My mother was chosen as our family reference. It is expected that mother's are going to speak well of their son or daughter, but that is not always the case. We are grateful, not just for my parents, but also all of our family that has shown an interest in our plans and the process. We are thankful for the ones who have lifted our journey up to God in their own prayers. We had a family brunch the other day at my parents' home with both of my sisters' families. It is nice to know the type of family we are welcoming our son or daughter into.Even though we did not get the chance to ask the rest of our family for a reference we are certain that they would have come through for us as well. And, hopefully, they wouldn't have had to lie either. After all of this "reference" stuff I've been wondering a few things. Am I a good reference for Jesus? To I let people know His good qualities. Am I intimate enough with Him to be able to tell specific stories of how He can work in someone else's life? A reference is someone who gives an endorsement of a potential candidate for a particular post. What kind of endorsement do I give to people whom Christ is looking to fill the post of "Lord" for?This week has made me think of relationships in regard to our adoption. Knowing that we have family who are supportive and friends who are supportive is important. However, we are also becoming aware of many others. Both Mandy and I were asked to sign a release so that our employer could provide a reference. Both of our employers have been so supportive and encouraging. After the positive response we received from our employers we began to wonder why we hadn't told them sooner. Are we limiting the amount of support we receive by the amount of information we provide?I think so. Mandy and I play softball on our Church's team. We have played for nearly three months and only last week did we discover that one of our teammates, and his wife, are also in the process of adoption. It is nice to have the support of friends and to connect with new people through this process. We have yet to meet our son or daughter, but we have already began to see their impact in our lives.This week Mandy and I will get our fingerprint clearance and hopefully move on to the next stage in this journey.

Adoption Journal #9

Right now it seems like there is nothing for us to do, but wait. We have completed the classes we need to and have submitted our application for adoption. Until our assigned adoption worker contacts us with the next step in the process we have nothing left to do, but wait. Waiting is never easy, and it allows the opportunity for anxiety and fear to creep into our lives.I have been worrying lately whether my son or daughter, to be, will call me “dad,” or “daddy.” Mandy and I have chosen to build our family through adoption, but what if the child we choose, does not choose us? I’m not sure how I would feel if the young boy I call “son” chose to call me “Mr. Hoggatt.” How would I handle it if the young girl I called “daughter” called me “Mike?” These are not pressing worries, but they creep up now and again. I realize that they are not the most rationale of fears and that the well-being and happiness of our child is what’s important, but I cannot pretend that I do not think about this from time to time.People are going to tell me that I have nothing to worry about, in regards to this. They will tell me that my son or daughter will be so young that they will instinctively call me “dad” or “daddy.” Yet, what if the child we adopt is a little older? We have told the county that we are open to children older than three years of age, so that might not be the case.I will be told that children will naturally call Mandy and I “mom” and “dad” because we will be doing what parents are supposed to do. We will be providing love, affection, instruction, protection and provision. It is true that we plan on providing all of these things that parents are expected to provide, yet this is not guaranteed to elicit affection from a child.People will assure me if our child realizes how much we went through to adopt and how much we wanted our son or daughter to come and be part of our family. Yet, I know from first hand experience that this is not the case.The word “Abba,” in the gospel, is used to indicate the type of relationship we should have with our heavenly father. When we pray, Christ says, call your Heavenly Father, “Daddy.” How seldom do I even call upon my heavenly father? He has chosen to adopt me when logic dictates that He shouldn’t. He has chosen to lavish on me an inheritance, I do not deserve. He has given me more through the adoption He offers, than I could ever dream of giving the son or daughter I want to adopt. Still, I fail to call on Him as I should. I fail to see Him as the father He is. I fail to demonstrate my affection, respect and love for Him. I want to, but like St. Paul says, I don’t do what I know I should.In light of the adoption relationship I share with my Heavenly Father, why should I expect my adopted child to respond to me in a more loving and affectionate fashion than I respond to my adoptive Father? Yet, the more and more I think about it, the less anxious or worried I am. Of the many gifts my Heavenly Father has given to me is Hope, and hope that is placed in God does not disappoint. This adoption is all about Hope. From our future son or daughter there is an unspoken hope for a family that will provide a Home with all of the love, hope, joy, happiness and strength a child deserves. From Mandy and I there is a Hope that God will place the child we have been waiting for since before we met. There is a hope that people will see our son and daughter as family, not “adoptive-family.”One of the great things about this whole process is the Hope that is so integral to it all. All of the hoops and hurdles, obstacles and barriers, poor trainers and difficult systems are easier because of hope. I know that, apart from not venturing into this process, we would never be able to keep going if we did not have hope. Not just any hope, but a hope placed in a loving God who happens to be an expert in adoption.

Adoption Journal #8

Well we have finally completed the arduous PRIDE classes required as a requirement of completing the adoption process. It is a great feeling to be done. The classes were a pain in the butt; however, we manage our way through it. We met some great people who are also going through what we are going through and feeling the same frustrations that we have felt. There is a solidarity among people going through the same struggle that no amount of empathizing by friends and family can replace. I am grateful to have met the people we did. The classes were idiotic and poorly planned & executed(how many classes does it take to learn how to use the VCR?), but we are more convinced of the rightness of our decision today than when we began going through the hurdles. It's as if we keep reminding ourselves that God would not require us to go through the hurdles and the struggles if there wasn't someone absolutely wonderful waiting at the other end for us. However, It is hard to remain mindful of this as anyone who has dealt with government bureaucracy understands that only a Fallen and Sinful world could create Governmental departments. Next our application will be forwarded to our assigned social worker and he/she will begin the process of matching us up with our forever family. In the meantime we have other foster care licensing classes to attend, meetings with social workers, CPR & 1st Aid classes and other wonderful requirements. Yet, we press on for the promise. For that is all we can do.

Adoption Journal #7

So, we are entering our last week of the infamous "Pride" parenting classes through the county. Last week's Pride classes focused on discipline. The basic point of the discipline session was that foster parents are not allowed to use corporal punishment with foster children, nor are they allowed to use corporal punishment on their own children if their foster children will be aware. That seems pretty straight forward. The county does not allow for any circumstances in which physical punishment would be allowed by a foster parent. Any questions? Of course you don't. This is basic, whether you agree with it or not. If one disagrees with this policy and chooses to be a foster parent, then that person is choosing to abide by the policy. If one already agrees that corporal punishment is bad, then there is no problem.The class could have spent the discipline session on how to recognize behavioral antecedents and intervene to prevent negative behavior or how to implement positive reinforcement strategies or how to model good behavior. The class could have spent time on how to verbally de-escalate crisis situations or how to create an environment that minimizes certain negative behaviors. These would have all been good for foster parents who will most likely have to deal with behaviors beyond the scope of what most biological parents tend to deal with.What did we do with the bulk of our time? We discussed how we felt about spanking. We broke up into groups to discuss our feelings about spanking and whether or not we were spanked. We answered questions on how we felt about our parents use of corporal punishment. Mind you, we have already been very clear that spanking is not allowed, but the class spent over half of the session discussing feelings about spanking. There might be room to discuss spanking in a lot of forums, but not here. Burning children's arms with cigarettes is not allowed for foster parents, but we spent no time discussing that. once again the trainer failed to treat the class like adults and simply say "Spanking is not allowed under any circumstances, so let us look at alternative, or more positive, discipline approaches." Rather, the trainers didn't want the pro-spanking group to be upset so we spent 1 1/2 hours discussing the rationale. Another missed opportunity by the county. It really is a shame.That being said, we are excited to be near completion of this phase of the process. We spent last week completing our autobiographies to be attached to our application packets. This has been a good experience in the sense that it has allowed us an opportunity to discuss family traditions, traits and habits that we appreciate in our families and also some that we find intolerable. It's difficult to look critically at one's own parents and family dynamic, but it is worth it. I have come away with an appreciation for my family, yet an acknowledgement of the issues I disagree with.We hope this next week goes smoothly as we complete classes 8 & 9 of the Pride workshop. Our application will be processed this week and hopefully we will be assigned a permanent adoption worker within the next couple of weeks. After that we will complete "Bridge Builders" series of classes, specifically designed for preparing us for a foster care license. We also have another application workshop to attend (we have attended the adoption workshop now we must attend the foster care workshop), then get our CPR/1st Aid and finally complete the home study process. We still have a long way to go, but we're making progress.

Adoption Journal #6

Another week down in the ever-present pursuit of our forever family. Mandy and I are now over half way through the required PRIDE classes mandated by the county. We feel pretty pleased about this. I've been conflicted about a concept recently, especially how it relates to our adoption and issues I am passionate about in general.Here is the question, or questions. When few people anywhere (let alone the church) are addressing social needs (full participation of persons with disabilities, child welfare needs, etc.) is it ok to critique the manner in which they approach these needs? or rather, Should efforts be spent encouraging those on the sidelines to get into the game? I realize that too few people are involved in direct service, and those who do get involved are too often overworked and under trained. Yet, that should not excuse them from failing to put forward their utmost to value the individuals they are supposed to serve.Let me talk about TMR (trainable mentally retarded) and EMR (educable mentally retarded). These terms were used before modern special education legislation that guaranteed a Free and Appropriate Education (FAPE) to EVERYONE. TMR and EMR where used to distinguish students with mental retardation who could benefit from education from those for whom schooling was "a waste of time." There is an implication in the term that some students cannot be benefit from ANY type of education. We know now that while all students do not benefit at the same rate, all individuals can be improved through proper methods of instruction and training. I essence the terms TMR and EMR are backwards, insensitive and outright ignorant. Therefore, it was of great surprise to me when Mandy and I were reviewing our "Child Desired Checklist" and discovered that we were asked if a child that was TMR was acceptable or not. Following that question we were asked whether a child that was EMR was acceptable or not. The assumptions inherent in those questions, let alone the anachronistic nature of those questions reveals the attitude modern social service agencies have toward the children they are mandated (and funded through my tax dollars) to serve.Mandy and I have reviewed those checklists and were surprised (well, maybe not surprised, but disappointed) at the labels used and the attitude it conveyed. We were even more disappointed when the trainers (and I use that term loosely) took a group from the class to walk through the county social service offices to observe some monitored visits in progress. (I need to explain the visit rooms real quick. These visits are between a parent in the midst his/her reunification plan and a child who has been ripped from their home and is emotionally Fraggle. . .oops, I mean fragile. These visits are in rooms alongside the walls with windows allowing observation. Typically a social worker or officer is in the room as well. Despite the fact that the rooms are viewable from the main office floor, these are still a private matter and most people, especially the ones in visits, try to act like the other few visits going on in adjacent rooms are not really going on at all. This allows for the belief that others are treating visits the same way.) Sorry about that, I'm back. It is unconscionable that a trainer would take a group of class members through the visiting area looking in the windows as though it's a zoo with strange animals on exhibit. But this is exactly what happened. I am grateful that Mandy and I did not choose to join the little tour. I have been in enough of these visits and felt the pain and awkwardness firsthand, I don't need second hand anguish. Apparently our trainers do.So, back to where I started. I believe it is ok to critique those who serve as well as those who refuse. Trust me I got enough critique for them and myself. None of us are perfect and we all need someone to keep us honest and accountable. This is the journey. Mandy and I are partners in this and we keep each other honest. I think it's the way it was meant to be.

Adoption Journal #5

Well, another week of Adoption classes has come and gone. This week has been interesting, not so much for the content of the classes, but for other related items that have come up.Mandy and I did a bit of work on our Adoption Application this week. Actually, the class Thursday evening was so boring and frustrating that we did a lot of it in class. Our adoption application has several parts. There is a basic application where we place information about our finances, employment and residence. We each are required to complete a “Family Questionnaire” which asks questions about our relationship with our parents and our relationship with our in-laws. Oh yea, it also asks us how “comfortable” our sexual relationship is. Then there are two more questionnaires where various physical and/or medical conditions are listed along with various family histories. We are then supposed to place and “X” next to each condition under “Acceptable” (meaning we are willing to adopt a child with this condition or family history) or “Not” (meaning we are not).
Now we understand that not everyone is going to be willing to accept children from every possible background or with every possible set of circumstances; however, it was a little heartbreaking to imagine that there are children with certain conditions or circumstances that are such that an adoptive family could say “no” to them. We could not do that. This ultimately opens us up to a lot of possibilities. Yet, we have a heavenly father who looks at our sins, our weakness, our abilities, limitations and history and never once says that we are not acceptable to Him. He never once says that we aren’t the children He “really” wanted to adopt. Rather, He adopts us and brings us into His family because of who He is not because of who we are. How can we do otherwise?
I was reading a study recently that stated that the majority of foster parents leave the system after only one year of foster parenting. The number one reason they cite is a lack of support and training. After completing some of our classes (which are designed for both foster and adoptive families) I can see the truth in that. Our presenters are poorly organized and not very knowledgeable about issues related to being a foster parent. (Everyone in the class both adoptive and foster will become licensed foster parents at the end). In fact, the two main social workers often contradict each other in the dissemination of information. No wonder foster parents complain about being unprepared. For instance, there is no “R” in “ambivalent,” egos are “fragile” not “Fraggle,” and “undetached” means “attached” not “unattached.”
I wish grammar was the only problem with the training, but it is not. I fear that the people in our training who have legitimate questions will go without the necessary knowledge. Mandy and I, and a few other, have the advantage of experience in the system, but we are a small number. It is a shame that the county, who so desperately needs well-trained foster families, would treat the prospective families with such contempt.
PS. People ask me often how the process is going. I tell them that it is frustrating and arduous. They look at me and tell me that “it will all be worth it.” No kidding, do they actually think that we would go through an adoption process we knew to be difficult and get to the end once our child arrived and say, “wow, you are totally not worth the effort.” When Mandy and I say that they adoption process is difficult, frustrating and arduous we know that it will be worth it in the end; however, a clichéd response does nothing to support us in that effort. In fact, it can come across as insulting, so don’t be trite or cliché when it comes to human emotion or needs. Please.

Adoption Journal #4

Well, Mandy and I have completed the first two (of nine) required classes through OC Social Services. After six hours of class sessions, I have some pretty strong impressions that I think are worth mentioning.It is impressive to see forty+ people from different backgrounds all together in an effort to provide care and support to children who are in need. The people sharing the class experience with us all come from different backgrounds with different ethnic and religious make-ups. Some, like Mandy and I, come at this experience after working in the system. Some have been in the system themselves or were touched by adoption or foster care sometime in their own lives. Also, I am encouraged to hear that so many of the prospective foster/adoptive parents come at this decision as part of their Christian faith. This is encouraging to me since I know that few Churches promote local public adoptions despite strict Biblical teaching to do so.However, I also am frustrated by the process. The facilitators of the sessions do not seem to be prepared or very knowledgeable about their topics. This is ridiculous. Digressions, tangents and complete unrelated stories by both the facilitators and a handful of chatty students hold the class hostage to their wills. I am frustrated because this could be a great opportunity to help these prospective caregivers understand the challenges that await children in the foster system or coming into homes from group care or abusive families. It is no wonder, after attending just two sessions, that so many foster children have such negative experiences in foster care and post foster care life.Despite the frustrations associated with poor facilitators, Mandy and I face these classes with an air of anticipation. We know that each class we complete brings us one step closer to our forever family. No matter how poor the class is or how miserable the experience, we are convinced that everything will pale in the light of our excitement and joy at bringing our forever family together. I know that many of the other families we have met this week feel the same way. This is good as well. It creates a solidarity as we go through the drudgery of the required hoops and obstacles. I'm sure I'll be letting you know more in the weeks to come. Good night and keep us in your prayers.

Adoption Journal #3

Tonight Mandy and I will begin our classes with Orange County Social Services in fulfillment of our requirement for adoption. This is a big step and we're lookign forward to it. After months and months of planning and research we are moving ever closer to our forever family.I just wish people knew how to be supportive. Together Mandy and I have nearly twenty-five years of expeience working with foster youth and persons with disabilities, not to mention three graduate degrees related to the area. Now I'm not trying to brag, but c'mon give us a little credit and allow us the benefit of knowing what we're doing. Well-intentioned family members who have no real knowledge of the field try to pass themselves off as experts and practically demand that you follow their lead. Now while we appreciate the support, it would be so much nicer if our loved ones would simply say, "We love you and want to know how we can support you." Would that be so hard? I am glad that family and friends are interested and supportive of the idea. However, supporting the fact that Mandy and I are aware of the challenges and possibilities in store would be nice.Now family or friends might read this and be insulted. I apologize. I am not saying that any family going through adoption knows everything. Who can with the thousands of caveats and obstacles that lie in wait? However, there are ways to offer a new piece of information without making Mandy and I feel as though we would be betraying the family if we didn't take it. We love the support, but like most people going through adoption, we did not enter this without prayer or careful consideration, and at times it feels like people assume that if they don't have a say in it then it can't possibly succeed.Mandy and I believe God is in this process and therefore, how can it not succeed.

Adoption Journal #2

Well after months of prep work including countless hours of research through adoption websites, articles and books we began the process in earnest with orientations at our local county social service office and private domestic agency. Wednesday night we attended the "Adoption Application Workshop" through Orange County Social Services. Here we were handed pages and pages of application material. Probably 40 pages of questionairres related to what type of child we want, how our marriage is(including how is our sex life?), what types of families we come from, income and other things. To be honest, it was a discouraging meeting. To be told that despite the fact that thousands of children await homes, we have to wait months (probably years) to bring one into our family is disheartening. The hoops and obstacles are part of the process, but it seems so enormous.We know this is what God wants for us, but it gets discouraging. MY son or daughter is out there somewhere (whether they have been born or even conceived). God has a child chosen for Mandy and I and it is difficult to wait. In our hearts we are already parents and it is like we are being told that we can't take our baby home from the hospital until we are good enough. I know God will help us persevere, but it seems a daunting task.Through the county we must take 9 parenting classes, plus get our foster licensed, plus endure 6 months of home study, plus take some type of foster class and then see if we are matched up. Once a child is placed in our home it is at least six months before our adoption is official. On the plus side the county pays for everything. Private agencies cost anywhere from $18-$25000 for a domestic adoption (with international costing anywhere from $20-$45000, once travel is factored in). Why is the choice between time and money so difficult. Our "parenting" classes begin next week, so I'll let you know how it goes.

Adoption Journal #1

Well, tonight Mandy and I will be attending the Adoption Application Workshop required by Orange County Social Services. While we have attended adoption orientations through both our local social service agency and a private domestic agency, tonight begins a more focused season in our adoption process. I've decided to keep a record of our adoption process as we go, but I wanted to provide a little background.Sometime in mid-2006 we both came to the conclusion that adoption was right for us. We had talked about this prior to getting married and during the first several years of our marriage, but always as a possibility. By Thanksgiving 2006 we came to adoption as a reality. Both of us have worked extensively with foster children in our professional careers. Knowing that over 125,000 children await adoption in the US every year (only about 1/2 ever find a forever home), we knew that we needed to keep our adoption domestic. This shouldn't be construed as an indictment on those who do go the international route. We just knew domestic was the way we wanted to go. We told our families around Christmas 2006 and proceeded from there.We also made a decision to adopt a child labeled with Special Needs. We did this knowing that while only 47% of women are firmly Pro-Choice as many as 85% will abort a child if they know he/she has a disability. It is hard for me to consider myself pro-life and say "no, he/she is just not good enough." This decision to specifically look for a child labeled with a disability has gotten mixed reviews. We've received everything from "why?" to "you're so special." It is important that people know that my son or daughter is not an object of pity and that Mandy and I are not heroes for adopting. This is just what we know to do. God says that I am adopted even though the benefit is all mine. When Mandy and I finalize our adoption the benefit will be all ours as our Forever Family is created.I know my son or daughter is out there waiting for me. They may or may not yet be born, or even conceived, but they are out there. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wander about them. I'm nervous and excited. There is an excitement of knowing that every hoop we jump through and every form we fill out will bring us one step closer to the making of our family. We still don't know for sure if we will stick with the County Social Services or decide to go through a private domestic agency, but God does and we are confident that He will lead us to exactly the place our son or daughter is waiting.