One Month Later (Adoption Journal #29)

It’s been one month since the first time Mandy and I met our, then, daughter-to-be and only ten days since she was placed in our home. However, there are times when we feel like she has always been ours. In fact, it is difficult to remember life when she wasn’t part of it. Now I am not saying that everything is sunshine and roses. We have had some difficult moments, but that is to be expected due to a variety of environmental and development needs in her life. The hard and difficult moments have challenged us in ways few parents are (with the exception of those who foster/adopt children in crisis or children with special needs), yet, the beautiful experiences far outweigh any difficulty. Every night after Mandy and I have tucked her into bed we sit down and just talk about how blessed we are to have been given this gift. Despite the fact that our daughter is a gift in her own right, the true gift she brings into our life is the gift of family.
Children need family. This seems obvious, but many people just don’t get it. A child, such as our daughter, needs a mother and father. Research clearly indicates the truth of this. The outcomes of children in grow up in foster care or the young men and women who grow up in single-parent homes all demonstrate the truth of this. I could cite stats on how divorce, child abuse, infidelity and other family-breakers lead to negative outcomes, but I don’t need that.
My beautiful daughter spent the first 3+ years of her life without family. Despite this she seems to indicate an innate need for family. In her short life she has never had a “daddy.” She has never referred to another man as “daddy.” The reports we have indicate that she has called one caregiver “mommy,” but only on a couple of occasions. We’ve been told that, even though she is affectionate, that she has consistently given hugs and kisses to those near her, and that makes us sad. We are pretty sure that she has never had someone tuck her in at night and say prayers, or worse, say “I love you.” These are all integral to being family.
Since we have known our little girl she has repeatedly referred to Mandy as “mommy.” As she learns more words and signs she is eager to show them or say them to her “mommy.” The other night she threw her arms around my neck and said, “my daddy!” Now she repeatedly refers to both Mandy and I as “mommy and daddy.” Why? Clinicians might tell you about language development and other educational theories that inform our understanding of how language emerges, and I understand those theories and give them a lot of credibility. However, Mandy and I believe that more than anything our daughter has been eager for family. She has had a really tough time and tough early life so far, but despite all of that she responds when we tell her we love her.
This is what amazes Mandy and I. We look at our little girl and are amazed that she can be so full of love when her life has been so devoid of it for so long. She is a miracle to us. Both of us are more convinced that God loves us today than we were one month ago. We cannot begin to understand the graciousness of God that brought her to our lives. Yet, we do know that God is a God who loves family and we are thankful for that.
The idea of family is at the heart of being a foster parent or and adoptive parent. Despite all of the difficulties and hardships that working within the system brings, it is the idea of family that makes it all worthwhile. But what is family. Family for our daughter is not just having a mother and father who love and care for her. It is also have cousins who she knows love her and whom she can now call by name in pictures. It is having grandparents who don’t treat her as though she just joined the family, but rather as a lifelong member of the family. It is having aunts (and uncles) who hold her, play with her, support her parents and who offer positive Christian examples of what family means. We would like to think that our daughter to be fortunate to have us as parents. Something we strive to make true everyday, but we know that she is blessed to have family.
This month is National Adoption Month across America. Millions of children around the world live lives where they never hear “I love you.” They live lives without a mother and father. Maybe you can be part of making a family by adopting, supporting adoptive families or supporting adoption ministries in your local area. The blessing of family should not be kept from the children in the world who need it the most.